Last night I went to see Fifty Shades of Grey with my women circle book club. Even-though the reviews of the movie have been kind of ‘shady’, I was curious to see it and judge for myself, and as both the movie and the book were so highly successful (more copies sold then Harry Potter!), it was a sign of our times that I choose not to ignore…
Though there is a part of me, and of most of my couples therapists colleagues, that would say that Christian Grey suffers from ‘avoidant fearful attachment’, there are many moments in the film, that we are led into Grey’s vulnerable longing to connection, love, and attachment.
In the case of ‘fifty shades’, the hero uses his BDSM practice to keep himself from being connected, intimate, and vulnerable, though we can see his longing through and through.
From his story of early childhood abuse and early sexual encounter we can decipher what has shaped his attachments issues.
In many of the couples I work with in my couples therapy, I see that thorough past hurts, childhood experiences and previous painful relationships, we promise ourselves to protect our heart from further abandonment, rejections, pain and suffering, thus avoiding our natural wiring to connect and attach, and thus we default into separation, avoidance and detachment.
In my Hold Me Tight workshops, coming up April 25-26 in Nevada City, we spend the whole weekend exploring how attachment injuries, raw spots and triggers, contribute to a negative cycle in our relationships where we dance fearfully around the painful attachment to avoid further hurt and pain.
There is more to the movie and the book that deserves discussing but will not have the time or space here…
* As Christian is pursuing Ana he is exercising power and coercion that may have been detected and rejected earlier had he not been a rich powerful man.
* Boundaries in relationship, domestic violence, the empowering of woman to say ‘no’.
* the perhaps mistaken portray of BDSM as abuse which is not always accurate.
* and most of all, yet again, the fearful avoidance we exercise in relationship leading many of our young and not so young into ‘arranged’ relationships of hook-ups, friends with benefits, and f#@* buddies…
And from ‘fifty shades’ to my own ‘avoidance’ of technology and how I got lured (drugged) into the 21st Century.
For the longest time I resisted the technology that mounted and swirled around me as I inched my ways from my 40’s to my 50’s..
My girls still can not comprehend that there was no such a thing as a computer when I grew up.. (I must be from the dinosaur age).
Like many of my generation, technology, computers, iphone, were slow to filter our reality. I heard myself and my peers say ‘what’s wrong with how I have been doing it’?..
BUT slowly.. I had to give up my resistance.. and surrender to technology, computers, social media, iPhone, and now Blog..
And so here I am sending out my new WEBSITE .. and BLOG for you to read, ‘share’, comment, and enjoy!
and with the launching of my new WebSite..
I want to send my gratitudes..
to Paule who set me on this techy journey
to Laurie for holding my hand through my first steps
to Sachiko for ample patient with my whining
to Catherine for a fabulous young and 21st C device compatible new website
to Juan for not letting me off the hook…and pushing me through
to Luis for believing in me all along and getting me out of my comfort zone…
and to all of you who have endured me complaining wining and winning!
~ Dalia Anderman