Around the time I entered graduate school for psychotherapy (later in life: for the first part of my professional life, I was a park ranger leading treks into the wilderness), I had become interested in relationships and couple’s therapy.
Was it growing up in a dysfunctional family or in a part of the world torn by conflict (born and raised in Israel)? Or was it because I botched my first marriage and no amount of therapy helped?
Maybe it was all of it combined with a deep sense that there must be a way out of conflict beyond war and breakup that fed my curiosity and determination to find answers. Through the years, I came to see that all relational conflict as a protest to feeling disconnection from a loved one, and most fights are a longing to be connected, safe, seen, and heard.
It’s true that for you to be right, your partner does not need to be wrong, but to access that truth in the moment, we need to be able to communicate, connect, and talk about it. We need to find ways to invite our partner into connection before we get pulled into the Right/Wrong, Shame/Blame, negative dance.
Distressed relationships are always the same all over the world at every age. Where are you? Where are you? Do you care about me? Do I matter to you? Will you respond to me? Will you be there when I’m vulnerable? Am I safe with you? Where are you? Where are you? And when the answer is, “I’m here,” you can deal with almost anything.
Dr. Sue Johnson
>>> Listen to Dr. Sue Johnson interviewed (quoted above).
A beloved mentor of mine once told me that relationships are made up of two words: “Relation” and “Ship” which translate to “How are we relating and where is this ship going.”
As a couple, we must make sure that we are giving time to both aspects of our relationship. We need to ensure that our “relation” includes time with each other, good communication, vulnerable sharing, transparency, authenticity, affection, intimacy, and so much more.
For the second half, we also need to be vigilant with our rituals of checking in about the direction we are going or where we are “steering the ship.” This might include making adjustments around being aware of safety, direction, shared visions, and co-facilitating.
Like so much else in our lives, our relation-ship needs constant maintenance. We must give it attention and care so it will continue to thrive. For some couples it may look like a weekly date night, just the two of you going away for a weekend alone, or maintaining a regular practice of listening to audio books, podcasts, or seminars about relationships.
Conflict & Disconnection
All couples face periods of conflict and disconnection, and at times ask the question, “What happened to our relationship?” It is not uncommon for partners to feel stuck and unable to communicate effectively or resolve conflicts, sometimes even for years. These negative patterns can strain the relationship to its breaking point.
Research reveals that Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, can significantly improve distressed relationships.
>>> Listen to Dr. Sue Johnson interviewed (quoted below).
If you dance with somebody, they’re going to step on your feet. They’re going to go left when you expect them to go right. It’s just the way it is. The point is, in a good relationship, you can recognize what’s happened and you can tune in and you can repair it. It’s emotional responsiveness. That’s the basis of a secure bond. Emotional isolation is traumatizing for human beings. You’re not wired for it. It’s a danger cue for your nervous system.
Dr. Sue Johnson
As a couple therapist, I have found Sue’s Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to be the most effective, profound, exact, and helpful approach for couples to find their way back to connection. I am so sad to have lost her (announcement below), and am committed to carrying forth her life’s work.
It is with profound sadness that we announce the passing of Dr. Sue Johnson on April 23, 2024. Dr. Johnson was a beloved teacher, therapist, author, and the pioneering innovator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). Her remarkable contributions have left an indelible mark on the field of therapy and the lives of countless individuals, couples, and families worldwide.
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Hold Me Tight® Couple Workshops 2.0
For over a decade I have been offering our Hold Me Tight® Couple Workshops here in Nevada City, California. Hundreds of couples have found new ways to reconnect and reignite their relationships.
Many of you, over the years, have asked me if we will ever offer a Hold Me Tight® Couples workshop 2.0 and I am excited about our new edge in couples work, our Hold Me Tight® Couples Retreat in Costa Rica at the Imiloa Institute (Feb 11-16, 2025).
We invite you and your partner, to reignite your relationship, in the midst of the lush jungle and magnificent beauty of Costa Rica. Come join us with the toucans, sloths, monkeys, and butterflies and your partner in Costa Rica for a Special surprise celebration of Valentine’s Day, 2025 ♥️♥️♥️.
Retreat includes:
- Accommodations – five nights and six days of accommodation at Imiloa Eco-luxury Retreat Center.
- Charter Flight from SJO (San Jose, Costa Rica) to a small airport close to the retreat center.
- Plant-based, organic, locally sourced, gourmet meals created by a 5-star master chef.
- A campus fully devoted to our retreat, tucked in the Costa Rica jungle.
- IMILOA Shuttle Service all-inclusive luxury SUV ground transportation.
- Access to a private waterfall, miles of nature paths, incredible flora and fauna, and an ocean view infinity pool.
- Yoga classes thought by the local instructors.
- Access to an online resource library.
- A workbook full with conversations and communication exercises, a skill building toolkit, and much more.
- Special excursions & magical surprises.
A New Chapter in your Relationship
During this couples retreat you and your partner will benefit from over two decades of my work as a couples therapist utilizing Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and leading Hold Me Tight® Couples workshops in understanding the patterns of attachment in the dance of relationship.
You will also benefit from Owen Marcus’ decades of experience working with men’s emotional intelligence, as well as his understanding and unique lens detailed in his book Grow Up: A Man’s Guide to Masculine Emotional Intelligence and TEDxTalk presentation on Masculine Emotional Intelligence. Owen specializes in guiding men to embrace vulnerability. His expertise extends to working with couples and he has shared his methods with diverse audiences including therapists, NGOs, and major tech firms like Google. Owen’s deep experience and innovative approach, honed through co-founding EVRYMAN and now co-leading his latest venture MELD, promise to significantly enrich the dynamics of this workshop.
At our Hold Me Tight® Couples Retreat, you will learn how to:
- Move out of negative cycles that keep you feeling stuck and alone.
- Make sense of your own, as well as your partner’s, emotions.
- Forgive injuries that keep you from really opening up to your partner.
- Communicate your emotional needs for connection where there has been abandonment and betrayal.
During and after our retreat you will be able to:
- Establish a secure and intimate bond with one another.
- Restore commitment and hope.
- Decrease conflict, isolation, distance, and loneliness.
- Learn to manage intense and negative emotion.
- Rebuild safety and trust.
- Find a way back to the passion, sexual connection, and intimacy you once shared.
We are happy to answer any questions you might have about our Hold Me Tight® Couples Retreat during a free consultation. Please fill out our brief questionnaire to ensure we tailor this consultation to your needs and help us make the most of our 30-minute session together.
Our Workshops Are Open to ALL Couples.
Please share this page with anyone you think will benefit from our work.
Responses from our last Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshop.
Though I love my husband dearly, I’d given up trying to repair and restore our relationship and marriage. I’d filed for divorce. As a last ditch effort, I agreed to attend Dalia’s and Owen’s Hold Me Tight workshop. I was skeptical that this would work. But, it did! Without publicly airing our dirty laundry, we learned to listen to each other. Where I’d felt my emotional pain was unheard and unvalidated, I now felt the longed-for connections begin to establish themselves. We have a lot of work ahead, but the workshop has provided a solid foundation and framework to continue the hard work required to heal and restore our commitment to each other. The results of our work during those two days were enough for me to decide to dismiss my divorce proceedings. If you have any desire to save your relationship, I highly recommend Dalia’s and Owen’s Hold Me Tight workshop!
Ramona H
My spouse and I had the opportunity to participate in a recent “Hold Me Tight” retreat with Dalia. I was apprehensive at first as we were referred to the program by a therapist. I am so glad we went. Dalia and her co-facilitators instantly made us feel comfortable. Being with 9 other couples helped me realize that my marriage isn’t broken and we aren’t doing this all wrong. It helped me realize that there are other people also wondering how to be better; how to communicate in a way that is healthy and sustainable for both of us. My spouse and I plan to revisit and attend another retreat in a couple of years because we got so much out of it. I am confident that moving forward he and I will have an easier time communicating our needs to one another, listening to the underlying messages, and ultimately caring for and loving each other for many years to come. Thank you Dalia, Owen, and Stephanie for being real, honest, and experts in the field of love and marriage. We are so thankful.
Darby G
In gratitude and love to all of you,
~Dalia
Hold Me Tight® is a registered trademark of Sue Johnson, founder and originator of Emotionally Focused Therapy.