Evryman

PART II

I have mixed feelings about Valentine Day..

Few years ago I wrote my Valentine Day blog with the same title. Are the ‘Reds’ of Valentine’s Day Giving you the ‘Blues’?  I still find the title applicable, so here is ‘part II’…

On one hand I am very glad we are celebrating LOVE day, it is a celebration, as love is maybe one the most important concepts and aspects in our life … On the other hand, there are so many mixed emotions around this holidays..

As soon as January rolls in, the shelves in the grocery stores, and the store windows, fill up with Valentine’s Day ‘goodies’… pink bears, heart shaped chocolate boxes, chocolate roses, flowers, cards… all reminding us NOT to forget our loved ones on Valentine’s Day…

For many of us, Valentine’s Day is stressful.  There are many expectations, and with them, the potential for failure..

We may feel apprehensive, we may experience fears and stress and memories of  abandonment, betrayals, rejections, and disappointment. ‘Will I matter to you?’..  ‘Will I get it ‘right’… ‘Will I ever be good enough?’

In an article in Forbes Magazine If You’re Not Happy During Valentine’s Day, You’re Not Alone, Bruce Y Lee writes: ‘Valentine’s Day is certainly a happy occasion for many. An opportunity to spend a day with that special someone or, for some, someones. A time to generate more memories, show your love or feel loved. But for others, it’s anything but…even if you are in a relationship. For a number of people, the commercially designated day of love can actually cause stress, anxiety, unhappiness and even depression..’

There are many stresses around relationships. Whether you are stressing about not being in a relationship, or being in one where you are not happy, or if you are happy, being afraid it can be lost…

As reported in Relationships Redefined, ‘43% of Americans feel that their relationships aren’t meaningful and are isolated from others – especially prominent in Gen Z, conceived to be the loneliest generation, a cohort whose usage of digital devices supersedes other group. Online relationships overtake IRL ones and constant digital connection has led to a disconnect in real life. Qualities such as vulnerability, setting boundaries and communication within relationships (platonic or romantic) have been lost, replaced with love heart eyes’

Valentine Day brings up a lot of loneliness for many. The longing to find that one person to complete  life and make it meaningful.

As a couples therapist I get to work with couples when romance, and relationship hit a bump.. and may goes somehow awry. I find it so inspiring, when deal breakers turn into game changers. Many times in therapy, couples are able to turn a difficult situation, into an amazing ‘turn-around’. It could be a shock to the relationship when attachment injuries happen. Whether we are dealing with infidelity, addiction, relapse, or any other reach of trust, I have witnessed so many times, in my therapy practice and in our Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshop how a transformation to the relationship takes place and a ‘Phoenix can rise out of the ashes‘.

But lets not forget that Valentine Day is not just about romantic love and relationships but about love. Love between parents and children, love of friends and friendships, love of pets, trees, birds, earth, mother nature, and of course, loving our vulnerable self.

Tonight I am honored and excited to be invited to a couples 60th wedding anniversary!! What they say to me is not that ‘we were lucky’ but that ‘we did not give up’!!

Getting it ‘right’ on Valentine’s Day can sometimes be tricky.. How do we let our loved ones know that we love and care? maybe, after all, ‘getting it right’, is not about the presents but about the presence?…

In the movie ‘Shall We Dance’, Susan Sarandon says about why do people get married..

‘But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything–the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things–all of it, all the time, every day. You’re saying, ‘Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness.

One of my favorite authors, speaker, change agent, and inspirations leader Brené Brown , talks about how important vulnerability is to relationships, connections, and love.

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.”

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.”
― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

Dr. Sue Johnson, a pioneer and explorer in understanding couples and relationship, a trail blazer, author, writer, and researcher in the field of relationship, tell us that ‘We are wired for survival and for connection. For most of us, our sense of intuition will alert us to any emotional danger in our relationships, and any disconnect signal danger. We will then want to protect ourselves, by prompting a protest, a fight or flight, or freeze and flee response.  It is when that safe love connection gets compromised, that our primary panic alarm sets us off, alerting us to the danger of disconnect from a loved one.’

Dr. Sue Johnson developed the Hold Me Tight program based on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and her bestselling book, Hold Me Tight, Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.

For those of you who have made a New Year resolution for a better relationship in 2020, and want to deepen and strengthen your relationship and connection, we are offering our next , Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshop on Saturday and Sunday, April 4-5, 2020, in Nevada City CA.

(Spaces are limited, so Please  SIGN UP ASAP.)