Dalia Anderman, LMFT

Emotional Focus Therapy

families and couples are struggling to find that secure bond

Daring to Own Our Story – Being Vulnerable – Loving

Couples Therapy, Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT), Hold Me Tight® Workshops, Individual Therapy

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
― Brené Brown

Last weekend I attended a workshop exploring the work of Brené Brown. In her program Rising Strong, Brené Brown invites us to participate in exploring our own vulnerability, to ‘dare greatly’, to show up.  The program, The Daring Way™, is creating a global conversation on courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy.

Taking myself to a Rising Strong Workshop led by my San Francisco colleagues, Michelle Gannon, PhD & Beth Jaeger-Skigen, LCSW about vulnerability, was not a small task for me, a seasoned therapist who is ‘an expert’ in telling others how to show vulnerability, but is terrified herself to walk the walk.

Part of the challenge for me was to choose from the ‘10 Guideposts for Wholehearted Living’ what was I willing to ‘let go of’ and what was I ‘wanting to cultivate.’ We were asked to choose from a list that included letting go of ‘what people think,’ ‘perfectionism,’ ‘anxiety as a lifestyle,’ etc. For me I chose ‘Exhaustion as a status symbol,’ ‘Productivity as self-worth’, and ‘Need for Certainty.’

It was so hard to share, admit, and own my list, and be willing, at least for a short moment ‘to let go.’ On the Cultivating side list were.. ‘Authenticity,’ ‘Self-Compassion,’ ‘Play and Rest,’ ‘Gratitude and Joy.’ I chose ‘Calm and Stillness’ and ‘Creativity.’

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.”

“Through my research, I found that vulnerability is the glue that holds relationships together. It’s the magic sauce.” ~ Brené Brown

I knew that as a partner, parent, therapist and a couple workshop leader, I must do ‘the work’ myself. I must allow my inner self to show up, to feel and to be vulnerable even when I am scared and worried about how is it going to look or be perceived. “Will I still be ‘who I am’?”  I know wholeheartedly that unless I am willing to see myself, I can not have integrity while asking others to do that too. I realized I had a long way to go ahead of me.

Those of you who know me, know that every year on the week leading up to Labor Day, I make a pilgrimage to the Black Rock Desert in Nevada to partake in the Burning Man festival event. I am part of the Mental Health Emergency Services (they call us ‘psyches on bikes’), and we help participants when they experience trauma, abuse, or yes, vulnerability.

A few years ago I wrote a blog about my experiences. That year (2015), in Burning Man there was an art installation piece called LOVE. It was a sculpture by Ukrainian artist Alexandr Milov. It demonstrates a conflict between a man and a woman as well as the outer and inner expression of human nature. The figures of the protagonists are made in the form of big metal cages, where their inner selves are captivated. Their inner selves are executed in the form of transparent children, who are holding out their hands through the grating to each other.

man and woman holding hand while walking on bridgeIn this powerful image we can see in huge dimension the inner conflicts of relationship. While the two adult figures (in the form of big metal cages!) are turning away in sorrow from each other, the inner selves are longing for the connection. In many cases, art can show us concepts that are hard to put into words, and this piece is a prime example of how very deep ideas can be conveyed without speaking. What an amazing symbol and depiction of the work I do with my couples in the office and in my workshops.

I found it to be such a testimonial as to how vulnerable we are in our relationships and especially when we LOVE. Daring to reach out, to talk about our fears and needs and hope, and to allow our partner to ‘see us’. As I say so often in my office to my clients (and to myself!), Intimacy = In To Me You See…

Young man in sleepwear suffering from headache in morningWe fear that if we show show our vulnerability, and share our deep real primary emotions and talk about our hurts and needs, we will be looked at as weak, we will be dismissed or ridiculed, or worst of all, we will be abandoned and rejected by the person we turned to. That’s why it may feel ‘safer’ to close ourselves in ‘metal cages’ and turn away…

This coming weekend I am honored and privileged to lead my HMT (Hold Me Tight) workshop here in beautiful Nevada City. Though I lead this workshop regularly, it’s always a new, compelling experience for me to facilitate, witness, and hold space for the daring, vulnerable reaching that occurs between partners during the workshop.

Our March Hold Me Tight workshop is Sold-Out!!! We will offer another one soon, please go to our contact me page on the website and join our mailing list to be notified about our next Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop event.

Blessings for the upcoming spring…

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
~ Anaïs Nin

with warm regards,

~ Dalia

(530) 692 0680
dalia@daliaanderman.com
http://daliaanderman.com/workshops
https://www.facebook.com/DaliaAndermanMFT

The HOLIDAY season often brings unwelcome guests – STRESS!

Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT), Hold Me Tight® Workshops, Individual Therapy

person looking out through windowHow to find light when darkness is around us, and how do we turn to loved ones to get comfort?

Lately in my practice I have been noticing, that as the beauty of Fall gives way to the dark of Winter, as the days get shorter and the temperatures drop, that for some, when this seasonal change begins, it comes with a sense of foreboding. It could be as serious as S.A.D (seasonal affect disorder)— for some, it is just the melancholia of winter, or the stress of the holidays.

To add to this seasonal stress we have all been experiencing, there are the anxieties and fears spread by violent and harmful events in our country and in the world. It is at times of such collective stress that we are left feeling vulnerable and alone. In the face of all the latest disturbing events, during this holiday season, we may find ourselves needing to connect with each other even more strongly.

Selective Focus Photography of Two PenguinsWe are realizing that the world is getting smaller, that we are all connected, and that we need to rely and depend on each other. Community, family, relationships, and tribal connection are in our DNA and though some of us may be living in tribes of 1 or 2, reaching out to others becomes ever-so important! It is in those times of stress and of celebration that creating and maintaining our secure attachment connections becomes paramount. In my practice, this time of year, I find that families and couples are struggling to find that secure bond.

Holidays celebrations bring people together; families, tribes, communities and friends at times go on long journeys to connect with loved ones during the Holidays. We naturally turn to each other, to our people, to get comfort and connection and to ward off the hard times because we know that being in touch with those we love is reassuring.

shallow focus photography of bubble on leavesFew months present the multicultural celebrations that December does! Whether you celebrate Christmas, St Nicholas Day, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Solstice, Diwali, Kwanzaa, St. Lucia, Eid al-Fitr, Boxing Day, Saturnalia, Three Kings Day… or any other holiday this month, chances are that it is celebrated with LIGHTS.

The Winter Solstice occurs on either December 20, 21, 22, or 23 in the Northern Hemisphere, where it is the shortest day of the year. People all over the world participate with festivals and celebrations. Long ago, people celebrated by lighting bonfires and candles to coax back the sun. At times of darkness and cold weather, we try to bring in lights and warmth.

Candles On Steel Candle HolderTraditions of sitting around the fire, with lights, decorations, music, special foods and feasts, abound. Here in the US, our celebrations include giving gifts, parties, and family get-togethers, which can be wonderful and/or stressful.

Here are some tips to watch for, prevent, and cope with, holiday stress:

1. Be realistic. The holidays don’t have to be PERFECT or ‘just like last year’.. Allow for change and flexibility. As families change and grow, traditions and rituals often change as well.

2. Stick to a BUDGET. Before you go gift and food shopping, decide how much money you can afford to spend. Then stick to your budget. Often we feel the need to spend money to show our love. But many times presence comes before presents. And baking cookies or fudge can be economical yummy and fun!!

3. Plan ahead. Set aside specific days for shopping, baking, visiting friends and other activities. Plan your menus, make your shopping list, know how much time it takes to accomplish what you hope for, and take into account that everything takes longer during the holidays, including traffic!

4. Acknowledge your feelings. If you or someone you close to, has recently experienced a loss, or can’t be with loved ones, realize that it’s normal to feel sadness and grief. It’s OK to take time to cry or express your feelings. Be honest. Express your needs. Reach out. If you feel lonely or isolated, seek out community, religious or other social events. They can offer support and companionship.

5. Learn to say no. Saying yes when you should say no can leave you feeling resentful and overwhelmed. Friends and colleagues will understand if you can’t participate in every project or activity. So often we overextend ourselves only to feel spent exhausted and depleted. Set clear boundaries even with family and friends.

6. Make sure to take some time for yourself. Spending just 15 minutes alone, without distractions, may refresh you enough to handle everything you need to do. Don’t neglect your daily practice of exercising, yoga, or meditation.

7. Take time to do NOTHING AT ALL!!!

woman in white long sleeve shirt holding wine glassSo with some practical tips, paying attention, and following some of the above, you can minimize the stress of the holidays. You may even end up enjoying the holidays more than you thought you would.

Please join me and Susan Schreiber on the Women’s Show next monday December 14th at 8pm on KVMR.org where we will be discussing Holiday Stress and How to Cope. Listen in at http://KVMR.org or for the Nevada City, area listen live at 89.5FM on the radio.

~ Please write any comments or questions you may have below.

Thank you.

~ Dalia Anderman, MFT ~