vulnerable

How Do We Know If We Found The ‘One’..

Couples Therapy, Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT), Hold Me Tight® Workshops, Individual Therapy

I wanted to start this blog with a little apology, and a gratitude, to all of you, for your endurance and support.

Those of you who read my blog, or get my newsletter, may at times, need to endure my mass marketing and promotions, of my Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshop, and I bet it could be a bit of an annoyance.. I am grateful and truly appreciate your patience, your support, and the vote of confidence.

Thanks and gratitude for referring clients, friends, colleagues, and family to our workshops, and coming yourselves!! Thanks to ALL OF YOU, our workshops are Sold Out!! (every time).

I am always inspired, and fascinated, as I help couples navigate and figure out this landscape of relationship. Our workshop last week, May 5-6, here in Nevada City, was another amazing, heart opening, life changing weekend.

Here are few of the testimonials we got. It never ceases to amaze me how shift and change and breakthroughs happen in this magical weekend:

“I went to this Hold Me Tight EFT workshop this past weekend with Dalia Anderman and Owen Marcus and was blown away by the experience and the results. I want to share the knowledge that something like this exists which I think every couple could benefit from! I was recommended this by another friend who shared with me that every couple should do this workshop and it would prevent a lot of heartache and problems.”

“My relationship now is stronger than ever and I feel so filled up with love, hope, joy and gratefulness. If you are motivated to work on your relationship I suggest trying to get in now as the next workshop is not until Fall 2018, only 12 couples can attend, and it sells out. Thank you Dalia and Owen, I am eternally grateful.”

“My husband & I just returned from the HMT workshop. Dalia & Owen definitely have the incredible (secret) gift in strengthening relationships from all ages & stages. My husband & I grew more this weekend than we have in 20 years of marriage. It’s like couples therapy on steroids. My husband was able learn about & experience the life changing benefits of being vulnerable. We discovered what negative pattern(s) we get into that keep us disconnected & trigger our “issues” rather than help move us towards growth, healing & connection. They make it easy to find & understand our “raw spots” without shame or judgement. Thank you Dalia & Owen for your labor of love & dedication to this important life changing work!”

“Dalia and Owen are miracle workers. They know how to drop into the deepest places with us, while keeping us feeling safe and secure to do so. Something that can be very hard to do on our own. They helped us realize that the difficult dynamics we have is common, and that by turning into the hard stuff, shedding our fears of opening up, we can overcome any conflict through an emotional connection that supersede the issues at hand.”

Our next Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshop, is October 13-14, 2018.

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There is one question that keeps showing up for all of us. It sure has been on my mind, and in my heart, ever since my first ‘falling in loves’ when I was a teenager, and throughout my adult life… ‘ARE YOU THE ONE’? ‘How would I know that you are the one’.

In my psychotherapy practice, I hold space for exploring this question, as my clients, young and not so young, fall in love, fall out of love, come together, break apart, and come together again, and again. As we unpack those heart aches, and as we explore the difficulties of relationships, we keep inquiring, ‘Are you the ONE’… We wonder about soul-mates and serendipity, and fate, we make lists of what we wish for, we cross off lists, and we keep wondering, ‘are you the one?’..

I found a great article in a blog in the sex lubricant Astroglide online magazine:

15 Soulmate Signs: How to Know When You’ve Met the One

“When you’re young, it’s easy to believe that life will be like a Disney movie: you’ll meet your soulmate, fall in love at first sight, and — after 40 or so minutes of mild conflict and maybe a few talking animals — you’ll live happily ever after. Yet many of us find ourselves giving up hope when our “happily ever after” doesn’t appear on schedule. And in a dating world where Tinder is king, finding a true soulmate can start to feel like nothing more than a fairy tale.”

The article mentions questions to explore and ask yourself when you meet a new love. Do you have shared and common interests and compatibility? Do you have a friendship? Do you share respect? Do you understanding each other emotional languages? Great questions to ponder.

Relationship advise expert columnist April Masini, write about good indicators for the ‘right one’:

‘You want to live your day to day lives similarly’; ‘You like to socialize the same ways’; ‘You’re financially compatible’; ‘Your friends and family approve’; ‘You’re both where you want to be in your careers’…

(Taken from: the insider article: 11 surefire signs that you’ve found ‘the one’)

In an article ‘How do you know you found the one‘, in MindBodyGreen Margaret Paul PhD, writes:

“In order to move ahead with a relationship, you need to make sure that you accept them exactly as they are—exactly as they are. You need to be able to fully love the lovable aspects of them and fully accept the wounded aspects of them—the aspects you don’t like. If you can’t tolerate and fully accept the aspects of your partner that you don’t find lovable—such as drinking, smoking, eating habits, anger or withdrawal, workaholism, unreliability, messiness, lateness, porn addiction, sexual demands, sexual disinterest, hygiene, anger, rage, people-pleasing, resistance, selfishness, moodiness, emotional unavailability, neediness, criticalness and so on—then this person is not the right partner for you.”

Dating sites can be alluring too, but also confusing. They promise that they can help you find your match.

They have algorithms and equations and good questions, and they have ‘trade secrets’, to help you navigate through the thousands of ‘ones’, that are there, for the same reason.

I have to admit that dating on line is hard, intimidating and hard work, full with vulnerability, disappointments, and heart aches. But it also has the great advantage of being able to read people profiles and stories and sort out through pics, interests, likes and dislikes, compatibility, distance, age, vision, and so on.

But will that be the determining factors? what about that mystical illusive factor we call LOVE, chemistry, and that ‘one secret ingredient’, that ignite the heart with fire, that sends us questioning, yet again, ‘are you the one’?

In my work and studies I have done with Sue Johnson’s Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT) ,I have come to understand relationships in a new way. In her work and research Sue Johnson has discovered a new meaning to love. It is about feeling securely attached and connected, and perhaps, we can never feel we found the ONE, if we are experiencing the trauma of disconnection.

The focus of Emotional Focused therapy (EFT), is to help partners understand more clearly each other’s deepest traumas and emotions. Feelings are often hidden, unexpressed or misunderstood. Our relationships can be a cause of stress and pain or a source of comfort and joy. In EFT, we help couples learn how to deal with their feelings together, reach towards each other, and be responsive in more loving and positive ways.

In recent years I came across the work of Brené Brown, who teach us about vulnerability and how essential it is to love, relationship and connection.

In my blog about vulnerability, I wrote how we fear that if we show our vulnerability, share our deep real emotions, and talk about our hurts and needs, we will be looked at as weak, we will be dismissed or ridiculed, or worst of all, we will be abandoned and rejected by the person we turned to. On the contrary, the connection that comes once we are willing to be seen by our partners, creates a powerful lasting connection.

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.”

“Through my research, I found that vulnerability is the glue that holds relationships together. It’s the magic sauce.” ~ Brené Brown

As a therapist and couples counselor over many years, I wonder at times, is finding the ONE, may be a myth? Having been in many relationship myself, long and short term, at various points in my life, I have learned lessons and got to know myself through them. I have tried to explore that longing to be known by that ONE special person.

Maybe we need to find the courage to love in ourselves. As Rumi tells us:

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”― Rumi

Or is it more about accepting the relationship we have, not trying and hoping to change our partners, but learning how to love them. Maybe it is not so much about wondering if ‘you are the one‘, but perhaps diving deeper into the unexplored possibility of our connection.

As we all navigate this mysterious and wonder-full labyrinth of relationship, take care of your self and of each other. We are all in this together,

Love,

Dalia

(530) 692 0680

https://www.facebook.com/DaliaAndermanMFT

dalia@daliaanderman.com

DaliaAnderman.com

Bringing Light to the Darkest Day of the Year

Hold Me Tight® Workshops, Individual Therapy

Recently I had my own dark night. Not heeding my own ‘advice’ about coping with holiday stress, I tried to power through all the symptoms of what I thought was a flu, only to find myself diagnosed with pneumonia.. It was scary. I have never been that sick, and felt that darkness of helplessness and needing to rely on others for everything including getting out of bed. I felt so VULNERABLE.

It made me immensely appreciative when health returned, and ever so GRATEFUL to my friends and community that rallied around to help me, and to my clients who were so patients waiting till I got better.

The Winter Solstice occurs on either December 20, 21, 22, or 23 in the Northern Hemisphere, where it is the shortest day of the year. People all over the world participate with festivals and celebrations. Long ago, people celebrated by lighting bonfires and candles to coax back the sun. At times of darkness and cold weather, we try to bring in lights and warmth.

Winter Holidays traditions around the world include colorful lights, sitting around the fire, singing hymns and carols, decorations, music, special foods and feasts. Here in the US, our celebrations include giving gifts, parties, and family get-together, which can be wonderful and yet can also be stressful.

Few months present the multicultural celebrations that December does! Whether you celebrate Christmas, St Nicholas Day, Kwanzaa, Yule, Hanukkah, Solstice, Diwali, Kwanzaa, St. Lucia, Eid al-Fitr, Boxing Day, Saturnalia, Three Kings Day… or any other holiday this month, chances are that it is celebrated with LIGHTS, music, food and family.

Traditions of sitting around the fire, with lights, decorations, music, special foods and feasts, abound. Here in the US, our celebrations include giving gifts, parties, and family get-togethers, which can be wonderful and/or stressful.

Holidays celebrations bring people together; families, tribes, communities and friends at times go on long journeys to connect with loved ones during the Holidays. We naturally turn to each other, to our people, to get comfort and connection and to ward off the hard times because we know that being in touch with those we love is reassuring.

Families can be a source of strength, connection, love, and caring. It can also be a reminder of violence, neglect, abuse, and disconnection. Around the Holidays, many people experience some kind of P.T.S.D (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome), with reminders and flash backs, of times in their past where the Holidays were a time of dread, addictions, and dysfunctions.

It is important to help those in need around the holidays. Most of your local charities organizations and groceries store offer gift and food donation places. Though hunger and poverty are not reserved for the holidays, it is a time of giving and sharing, so please stop and remember those who are more misfortune than us.

Many couples find it stressful to connect during the holidays. attending to family needs; kids, parents, in-laws, friends and community needs, take precedents and unless we are Accessible Responsive and Engaged with out partner, intimacy can fall way to the bottom of the list.

Couples ask each other ARE you there for me? They want to feel the reassurance that they matter, even in stressful times, that they can turn to each other and hear a resonating YES. You can read more about that in my blog: A.R.E. you there for me? (Accessible Responsive Engaged).

Dr. Sue Johnson developed the Hold Me Tight program based on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and her bestselling book, Hold Me Tight, Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.

The focus of EFT is to help partners to understand more clearly each other’s deepest emotions. Feelings are often hidden, unexpressed or misunderstood. Our relationships can be a cause of stress and pain or a source of comfort and joy. We help couples learn how to deal with their feelings together, reach towards each other, and be Accessible, Responsive, and Engaged.. in more loving and positive ways.

At our Hold Me Tight couples workshop, in a safe, intimate, private setting, we hold space for couples to become vulnerable and open to explore, experience, touch and talk through issues that have been untouched. We help couples learn how to reach for your partner at times of ANGER, anxiety, disconnect, fear and uncertainty.

This is a great opportunity to have a deeper and vulnerable look at your relationship, develop new skills to recognize the cycle and patterns that inflict the relationship and keep you separated and apart, and It is also a beautiful time to connect and highlight the strengths of your relationship, and built on the positive that already exist.

For those of you who the holidays are bringing the wish for a renewal of your relationship, we are offering our next Hold Me Tight workshop, Saturday and Sunday, January 27-28, in Nevada City CA. SPACE IS LIMITED. SO SIGN UP ASAP.

Though I lead this workshop regularly, it’s always a renewed, compelling experience for me to facilitate, witness, and hold space for the vulnerable reaching that occurs between partners during the workshop.

At our Hold Me Tight relationship enhancement Workshop you will learn and experience how to:

• affirm strengths in your relationship by developing understanding and bonding
• address negative cycle patterns, and learn why they show up, and how to get out of them
• learn how to repair and forgive injuries, and become vulnerable with each other
• enhance your emotional, physical, and sexual closeness and INTIMACY

Owen Marcus, MA, author, workshop facilitator and TEDxTalk presenter on Masculine Emotional Intelligence, will once again be assisting me in the workshop. Owen brings with him decades of experience leading and facilitating men’s group all over the country in helping men access their masculine vulnerability. Owen’s presence and his work with couples and men will enhance this upcoming Hold Me Tight workshop by offering his depth, support and perspective to the couples in our workshop.

Here are the links to Owen’s work:
http://owenmarcus.com
Owen’s TEDX talk: What 10,000 Years Of Progress Has Cost.

As I keep the groups small and intimate, if you know you want to sign up, I will encourage you to do so shortly, as all our workshop in the last few years have been Sold-Out!

This is a great opportunity to have a deeper and vulnerable look at your relationship, to understand the dance of your own relationships, and develop new skills to recognize the cycle and patterns that inflict the relationship and keep you separated and apart.

It is also a beautiful time to connect and highlight the strengths of your relationship, and build on the positives that already exist.

Please do not hesitate to Contact me with any questions or for more information.

Sending you all solstice, and holidays, and seasonal, blessings, and greetings.

Be warm and safe and loving to each other..

May the light return and push away darkness..

With much love

Dalia

(530) 692 0680
dalia@daliaanderman.com

Workshops

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Give the Gift of Connection

Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT), Hold Me Tight® Workshops

This Holiday Give the Gift of Connection to Your Loved One

When was the last time you had a deep, intimate, vulnerable, conversation with your partner?

Let alone Seven (7) Conversations..

This Holiday, GIVE each other THE GIFT OF LOVE and INTIMACY.

At our Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshop, in a safe, intimate, private setting, we hold space for couples to become vulnerable and open to explore, experience, touch and talk through issues that have been untouched. It is time set aside to have these conversations that have been waiting for a long time to happen.

Keeping your love alive, your communication with your partner intimate and transparent, and your sex life juicy and vibrant, can be challenging.

Most of us are just too busy. We have careers to pursue, jobs to attend to, finances to figure out, deadlines to keep, kids to raise, medical appointments to keep, travel to arrange… home, house, chores, in-laws… LIFE to live… the list goes on and on – it’s a juggling act.

And all too many times, the ball that falls is our relationship. Tired and exhausted, we hope we will ‘reconnect someday soon’, when the chaos stops.. At times we can look across the dinner table, or the marriage bed, and memories of .. ‘I remember you’.. ‘We were once best friends and lovers’.. flood across our memories panel.

Unfortunately, all too often, when all those jobs are (well) done, it is just too little too late. We become too exhausted to enjoy each other. Especially during the holidays!

Between the lists, and the shopping, and the kids, and the in-laws, and the office parties… it wall just get so hectic, that couples seem to forget that the holidays is about love and intimacy and connection too.

That is why I suggest that, This Holiday, GIVE each other THE GIFT of DEEPENING LOVE, intimate conversations, and Connections.

At our Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshop, in a safe, intimate, private setting, we hold space for couples to become vulnerable and open to explore, experience, touch and talk through issues that have been untouched. It is time set aside to have these conversations that have been waiting for a long time to happen.

“Hold Me Tight®” is a registered trademark to Dr. Sue Johnson, founder and originator of Emotionally Focused Therapy.(EFT).

The focus of EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy), is to help partners understand more clearly each other’s deepest emotions. Feelings are often hidden, unexpressed or misunderstood. Our relationships can be a cause of stress and pain or a source of comfort and joy. In EFT, we help couples learn how to deal with their feelings together, reach towards each other, and be responsive in more loving and positive ways.

Are you longing for Love, Connection, Intimacy, and Vulnerability with your partner, but instead you:

• have recurring fights that go round and round without resolution?
• lack affection, intimacy, closeness, or sex?
• feel alone, lonely, betrayed, abandoned?

Do you want to:

feel more closeness, connection, and engagement with your partner?
have good fulfilling communication?
learn how to reach for your partner at times of need?
renew your commitment for intimacy and sexual connection?
learn how to ‘dance t the end of love’?

At our Hold Me Tight® Couples Relationship Workshop, you will learn and experience how to:

• Affirm strengths in your relationship by developing understanding, communication, and bonding.
• Address negative cycle patterns, and learn why they show up, and how to get out of them.
• Learn how to repair and forgive injuries, and become vulnerable with each other.
• Enhance your emotional, physical, and sexual closeness, and INTIMACY.

In our Hold Me Tight Couples Weekend Workshop, we will be effective, safe, supportive, and validating. Most importantly, the weekend will be positive, proactive and FUN! The tools you learn will continue to serve your relationship long after this weekend.

I’m delighted to be offering my next Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshop here in Nevada City California on January 27-28th, 2018.

Owen Marcus, MA, author, workshop facilitator, and TEDxTalk presenter on Masculine Emotional Intelligence, will once again be assisting me in leading the workshop.

Owen brings with him the width of decades of leading and facilitating men’s group all over the country, helping men access their masculine vulnerability. Owen’s presence, and his work with couples and men, will enhance this upcoming Hold Me Tight workshop, by offering his depth, support, and perspective to the couples in our workshop.

Here are the links to Owen’s work:

Owen’s Web site
Owen’s TEDX talk: What 10,000 Years Of Progress Has Cost | Owen Marcus | TEDxSpokane

SPACE IS LIMITED. SO SIGN UP ASAP.

As I keep the groups small and intimate, if you know you want to sign up, I will encourage you to do so shortly, as all our workshop in the last few years have been Sold-Out!

It is also a beautiful time to connect and highlight the strengths of your relationship, and build on the positives that already exist.

Please do not hesitate to Contact me with any questions or for more information.

Sending you pre-holiday blessings, and seasonal greetings

With Warm Regards,