Dear Reader
I enjoy connecting, sharing, and checking in with you. I’ve also missed some of my regular posts while focused on the Hold Me Tight® Retreat I just hosted in Costa Rica. Thank you for your patience!
There are many variations on this post’s title, like “You can fight to be right, and choose to lose” or “You can fight to be right, or choose to be happy.” I have used some of these in my couples therapy practice, trying to bring closure to recurring fights that feed negative cycles.
Most arguments revolve around trying to get your partner to agree with you, to see your point, or to be heard, seen, and understood. But as so many of us know, all too often, it just goes on and on in endless cycles. And while you may win the battle, you may at the same time lose the war or the relationship.
I enjoyed how Joe Rossini posed the question in his Lesson 10 in ehappylife.com’s Life Lessons Blog.
If you have been married or living with another individual for any length of time, I’m sure you can identify with the premise that most disputes you encounter at home are about the silliest of topics. You may find yourself in the heat of battle just to prove your partner is wrong. These silly disputes repeated often enough, by stubborn individuals who must [emerge] victorious, can lead to lots of hard feelings. Silly arguments may even lead to the end of a valued relationship. Thus the question to ponder remains “is it really worth the effort to fight to be right?”
In a recent blog titled, For You to be Right, I don’t have to be Wrong, I explored the idea of how to resolve conflicts when they seem inescapable. When the fights get repeated, it is only the subject matter that changes while we get drawn into the same dynamic loop again and again. In her post for Psychology Today, The Fight to Be Right: What Are You Fighting For?, Nancy Colier LCSW, Rev. cuts to the core of our desire to be right.
At its core, fighting to be right is about fighting to be heard, known, and understood, what we’re all longing for. If we can prove we’re right, that what happened in our inner world is what happened in the outer world and everyone else’s world, if it can be confirmed as correct, then our experience is valid, and most importantly, we’re allowed to feel what we feel.
And with our partners, that need to be accepted and validated, for them to see our side, to agree with our point, and to honor our opinion, is often compounded by fears of abandonment, rejection, and not mattering.
Longing for connection is at the core of our relationships. When our partner does not agree with us and a conflict erupts, we may launch into a protest, lose our balance, start a fight, or try anything to get connection back. And underneath the fight, the anger, and the frustration, there are often deep vulnerable feeling of loneliness, fear, and sadness, but what our actions are expressing is our deep down need to know that we are not alone and that our partner will be there for us.
A participant at our recent Hold Me Tight® Costa Rica Retreat summed up fighting to be right in a vulnerable way when he said,
I can fight to be right and win the argument and be alone without my partner; and that is very sad.
That deep down need to know that our partner will be there for us is a foundational aspect of Emotionally Focused Therapy which was developed by clinical psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson. The EFT model is considered to be one of the most effective evidence-based therapy methods available and is currently taught to over 3000 health care professionals every year. Countless couples’ relationships have been repaired and strengthened because of Sue’s work.
EFT emphasizes that couples often get stuck in repetitive, negative patterns of interaction, which she refers to as “the cycle”. This cycle takes the shape of an infinity loop, with no start or end, where each partner’s actions, emotions, and thoughts trigger and feed off of the other partner’s actions, emotions, and thoughts.
Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight® Program, workshops, and her book Hold Me Tight are rooted in over 30 years of attachment and relationship science and share her methods for stepping out of “the cycle,” improving relationship satisfaction, and fostering secure emotional bonds.
Hold Me Tight®
Retreat Announcement
Having just completed my first Hold Me Tight® Costa Rica Retreat at the Imiloa Institute in Costa Rica, I’ve decided to book another one for April 16-21st, 2026! Sign up to be the first to know when registration opens!
Come join us for a 6-day Hold Me Tight® Couples Retreat in the midst of a lush jungle, with Toucans, Sloths, Monkeys, Butterflies, and so much more. If you’re interested in receiving updates about registration, we’d love to hear from you.
What is included:
• Five nights and six days at Imiloa Eco-Luxury Retreat Center.
• Charter flight from SJO (San Jose, Costa Rica) to a small airport near the Retreat Center.
• IMILOA Shuttle Service, all-inclusive luxury SUV ground transportation.
• Plant-based, organic, locally sourced gourmet meals, created each day by a 5-star master chef.
• A beautiful campus tucked in the Costa Rican jungle devoted to our retreat.
• Access to a private waterfall, miles of nature paths, incredible flora and fauna, and an ocean view infinity pool.
• Yoga classes taught by the local instructors.
• Access to an online resource library.
• A workbook full with conversation and communication exercises, a skill building toolkit, and much more.
• Special excursions.
• Magical surprises.
Co-Facilitator
Owen Marcus, MA, author, workshop facilitator, co-founder of EVRYMAN and MELD, and TEDxTalk presenter on Masculine Emotional Intelligence, will once again be co-leading this workshop with me. (Owen’s TEDX talk)
With a rich background in leading men’s groups and trainings across the country, Owen specializes in guiding men to embrace vulnerability. His expertise extends to working with couples, and he has shared his methods with a diverse audience, including therapists, NGOs, and major tech firms like Google. Owen’s deep experience and innovative approach, honed through co-founding EVRYMAN and now co-leading his latest venture, MELD, promise to significantly enrich the dynamics of the workshop.
How We Work
Our Hold Me Tight® Retreat is based on Dr. Sue Johnson’s Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT). Once again, I feel immense gratitude to Dr. Sue Johnson, who embarked on this journey to break the code of what it is to love, identify the obstacles to secure attachments, and pioneer a path to form long lasting bonding connections with our loved ones.
At our Hold Me Tight® Retreat, participants will learn how to:
• Affirm strengths in the relationship by developing understanding, communication, and bonding.
• Address negative cycle patterns, and learn why they show up, and how to get out of them.
• Learn how to repair and forgive injuries, and become vulnerable with each other.
• Enhance emotional, physical, and sexual, closeness, and Intimacy.
Our Hold Me Tight® retreat will be packed with education, information, presentations, experiential exercises, communication skills, somatic practices, gender groups, fun activities, and much more. This is a great opportunity to have a deep and vulnerable look at your relationship. Processing is done in the privacy of the couples, and when we connect as a group, sharing is optional. We keep our workshops small to ensure privacy, safety, and personal attention. Space is limited.
Sign up to be the first to know when registration opens for April 16-21st 2026!
We Welcome All Couples!!
In gratitude and love to all of you,
~Dalia
Hold Me Tight® is a registered trademark of Sue Johnson, founder and originator of Emotionally Focused Therapy.