Judgement and Criticism – A Strategy of Fear?

Like many of us, I engage in judgment and criticism, it is my ‘default’ to go to.. when I am scared, or confused, or simply not feeling ‘good enough’.  For many of us it is a ‘first responder’ when we feel insecure or when something does not make sense. When we feel that we do not have control it is the judgement that shows up and help us feel somewhat stable.

That is what happened to so many, when a tragic death happened at the Burning Man festival last week. (It happened during the ‘Burning of the Man’, the ritual that culminate the week of the Burning Man event, when a man ran into the fire and died from his injuries. We do not know exactly what happened. Though it may have looked like a suicide, we may never know why it happened.)

Though as the CIT (Critical Incident Team), which is part of the Emergency Services of BM (ESD), we intervene with many crisis, involving participants at Burning Man having emotional difficulties and ‘break-downs’, we have helped many, unfortunately we were not able to save this man life.

Also unfortunately, was the out-pour of judgement and criticism from some of the participants at the event; and in the media and the social media.

Left unchecked we will default to judgement and criticism as fear and trauma look for an outlet.

And YES, there was also a lot of condolences, support, and BurningMan spirit of connecting, sharing, and giving love. The shock of witnessing the tragedy reverberated with the community for a long time, and my ‘psyches on bike’ team was busy helping with some PTSD and other difficulties.

Many of you have asked me about my work at Burning Man.

Here is my blog from few years ago.

In a recent post I tried to explain ‘why BM’.. here’s what I wrote..

‘Why BurningMan’..
Every year I go off on my ritual pilgrimage to the Black Rock desert in NV. A madness magic of a temporary community based on sharing, giving, gifting, inclusion, and self reliance. It is also a magnificent display of public art where you can touch, play, dance, meditate, or just BE.
I have found my own way of belonging by volunteering as a mental health professional on the CIT team (critical incident team as part of the Emergency Service). They call us ‘psyches on bikes’…

It is such an amazing experience and experiment of getting out the natural humaness of sharing and giving and participating. Biking around, or sitting having coffee at center camp, or hanging with friends, or visiting other camps, you see connection and interactions. Not many people are on their iPhones!! seriously!!

Burning Man is anything but fun for me. The harsh dusty and extreme conditions, combined with not much sleep, the noise, and the chaos, makes it very challenging. And yet, I get so charged and inspired, by the community of BurningMan; by the inclusion and acceptance; by stories of sharing and helping and rescuing; I love and appreciate my psyches team; the art and creative forces are mind blowing, and as I go through my breakdowns, and breakthroughs, I emerge yet another more vulnerable version of myself.’

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In my own relationships, and in my work as a couples therapist for more then two decades, I have found that judgment and criticism break couples apart, and create wounds that are hard to repair.

In the despair and fear of disconnection, we will again, default to protecting ourselves from that fear and loss of control, and protesting the lack of connection, by becoming judgmental.

“People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.”
― Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate

Are you longing for Love, Connection, Intimacy, and Vulnerability with your partner, but instead you:

• have recurring fights that go round and round without resolution?
• lack affection, intimacy, closeness, or sex?
• feel alone, lonely, betrayed, abandoned?

Do you want to:

• feel more closeness, connection, understanding, and engagement?
• have good fulfilling communication?
• learn how to reach for your partner?
• talk about your need and hopes?

At our Hold Me Tight® couples workshop, in a safe, intimate, private setting, we hold space for couples to become vulnerable and open to explore, experience, touch and talk through issues that have been untouched. It is time set aside to have these conversations that have been waiting for a long time to happen.

At our Hold Me Tight® relationship enhancement Workshop you will learn and experience how to: