Dear friends,
How are YOU doing? Really!! Not in the way we say it without really expecting an answer. It is SO important to check-in with your tribe, family, people, and loved ones. We are all in this together. So if you want, please send me an email and tell me how you are doing. I respond to all my mail!!
One day it will all be a story to tell. But for now, we are still in the midst of the most surreal times that I remember in my life. Growing up in Israel, I experienced many wars, with dangerous, uncertain, and scary times, however since the Covid19 pandemic, I have been feeling all of that and so much more.
We are all trying to “sheltering in place” as best we can, while also working, exercising, supporting our local economy, and caring for loved ones.
Some parts of the world are slowly opening up while taking careful measures, lifting some of the restrictions on movement and socializing while paying attention to maintaining safety and care. We hold our breath as we go back to “normal”.
I love this quote by Sonya Renee Taylor about “not going back to normal“..as “Normal never was.”
During these Covid19 times I have been extremely busy with tele-health online therapy. At first I was not sure how to move from seeing clients in the intimacy of my office to sitting with them on the other side of a computer screen. But surprisingly, I was able to transition fairly well and get a handle on the technology that was at first intimidating and strange.
I was grateful that I was able to help clients work through this period of isolation, anxiety, fear and the scary unknown.
Most of us, have been needing to adjust to a new reality. Many are struggling with a lot of stress. The loss of jobs, economic uncertainty, health issues, and not being able to be with or care for family member have put a strain on all of us.
Few years ago I wrote a blog about infidelity titled Infidelity – a Deal Breaker – or – a Game Changer?, in the blog I wrote about my experience with couples dealing with losing the trust bond in a relationship due to affairs and infidelity. As a couples therapist, I have sat with many couples while they dealt with affairs and watched how they straggled to coped and how they changed. At times I was able to witness how they transformed the situation from a possible deal breaker of separation and divorce, to a game changer of showing up in their relationship in a new way that may have seemed impossible.
While there is much pain and vulnerability following an affair or breach of trust, some couples are able to look at what happened, see what was missing in the relationship, and at times understand what happened for the partner who had the affair that took them out of the relationship.
Healing from infidelity is a long and painful road. But as a ‘hope junkie’ (that is how I see myself at times), I feel that there is a potential for a Phoenix to rise out of the ashes‘. We can use the most adverse situation to guide us to changes we may have not seen coming.
What is becoming more obvious to me in the many years I have been working in therapy with individuals and couples is that if it is not a deal breaker, it is a game changer. This is not only with infidelity and affairs, but with so many other issues as well.
We are invited to see the potential of change that can come through the most adverse situation. Even with the current Covid19 crisis, there may be a way to see how slowing down, staying close to home, pets, kids, gardens, and especially time with ourselves can reveal a landscape we did not imagine.
I have a request from you, but only if you are incline to do so:
As my new website, DaliaAnderman.com, is gaining it’s own life momentum, I was told by my tech team that having reviews and testimonials is an important and integral part of the success of the new website.
If my work as a therapist has impacted you in a positive way and made a difference in your life, or if you have participated in our Hold Me Tight® workshops and it helped your relationship, or if you want to share your experience so others may gain from the same experience, consider writing a reviews and testimonials on one of the below platforms:
My pages on: Facebook | Google | Yelp
Some of you who participated in our webinar Connection in Time of Isolation, with Owen Marcus and myself, got to experience a taste of the powerful work we offer to couples in our workshops. Your overwhelming responses and appreciation were sincerely heart warming.
Many of you have asked when we will be offering our next non-virtual Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshop. Soon, we hope!
We are in touch with our hosting hotel in Grass Valley to secure a future date, and we are carefully monitoring health guidelines for safety.
To all of you, sending hugs and love,
Dalia
Hold Me Tight® is a registered trademark to Sue Johnson.
At times infidelity can be the proverbial ‘canary in the coal mine‘, alerting the couple that there are serious problems that need to be attended to. If they listen to the ‘wake up’ call, and realize they are about to lose their marriage and their family, they may set to work and change.
At times an affair can be a transformation. When both people in the partnership realize they have been neglecting the relationship and each other and though the hurt and pain of the betrayal is excruciating, they are willing to see that ‘it takes two to tango’. Owning to their steps in the dance of pain and betrayals, the couple can then begin to see that they care and long for their partner.
In her book 
Michelle writes in her blog:
The second and most potent argument for monogamy claims Dr. Johnson, is that we are wired for it! A huge part of our brain is designed not just for social group interaction but for the intimate synchrony of emotional connection and bonding. The pacing, the give and take, the tuning in, the adapting to the others emotional cues between parents and infants and between adult lovers, are all about bonding. The main message of the new science of adult bonding is that the instinct to reach, connect and rely on loved ones is primary, more fundamental even than sex. Monogamous mammals like us have special cuddle hormones like oxytocin or OT – the so called molecule of monogamy. It turns off stress hormones, turns on reward centers, and fills us with calm contentment and well-being.
Many new models of relationships have been developing to cope and solve some of those issues. In polyamory, the most fundamental element is that of rejecting the monogamous standard, and radically rethinking how you understand, make meaning of and practice love, sex, relationships, commitment, communication, and so forth. I have experienced the surge of the polyamory community, where a complex arrangement where an ‘alpha’ bond, (many times a marriage), is interlaced with other partners, whilst each of the couples is aware, open, and honest about it. At times that includes co-habitation, sharing of house chores, finances, and children, creating rules and regulations and making adjustment as they go. Sounds complex, but those who have been practicing it, swear by it’s amazing power to strengthen the bond between the complex lovers relationships. Others, not less challenging, have chosen the “open relationship” model, at times choosing a “don’t ask – don’t tell” policy and at times employing full disclosure and rules.
At times, when there is a lot of openness, care, disclosure, and work to re-establish trust and secure bonding, the end result can be that the couple repair their broken relationship; and though the original relationship had to die first, a phoenix can come out of the ashes. But again, not without a lot of