Every time I sat down this last month to write my monthly blog, another, tragic, stressful, event occurred and threw me off. From the shooting in Thousand Oak, to the fires that are raging only an hour from where I live, and have destroyed the town of Paradise and some neighboring towns.
Here in Northern California, we have been struggling with the most devastating fire in the state history.
As of today, the death toll is at 76, and the number of missing people surged to 1,276. The fire grew to 149,000 acres Saturday, and containment is holding at 55 percent.
CAL FIRE says 12,794 structures are destroyed. More than 9800 were homes.
The tragic loss of life, animals, home, property, and the sense of normalcy and safety, is lost, and is bringing grief, stress, and vulnerability to our entire community of Northern Cal.
We are all alerted to the possibility of evacuation. The question is not ‘if’ but ‘when’, we need to be prepared. The air quality has been so bad that it ranks in the ‘hazard’. There are air-masks in my car, as well as water blankets and other emergency supplies.
At one point, a moment of calm and clarity came to me, when I looked around my home and thought to myself, ‘what can I not do without?’ Though that thought did not last long, and stress and anxiety came back, it still, at times, help to realize how fragile and vulnerable we are, and to try and calm the nervous system that is so fired up with fear, anxiety, and uncertainty.
We are all here in Northern California feeling the impact of the stress and overwhelm.
In a Harvard Health Publishing an article about Adrenal Fatigues is written:
“The adrenals are two small glands that sit on top of the kidneys and produce several hormones, among them, cortisol. When under stress, we produce and release short bursts of cortisol into the bloodstream. The adrenal fatigue theory suggests that prolonged exposure to stress could drain the adrenals leading to a low cortisol state. The adrenal depletion would cause brain fog, low energy, depressive mood, salt and sweet cravings, lightheadedness, and other vague symptoms.”
Taking care of yourselves in the midst of those chaotic, traumatic and stressful events is crucial.
Please Take Time to Take Good care of Your Self!
In these tragic times, as the town of Paradise is burned to the ground, it is astonishing to see how communities are showing up to help, support, assist, fund raise, and bring whatever resources they can, for those affected by the fire.
In a recent FB post, Sue Johnson shared a video of a community getting together to help a shop owner when his wife got sick.
“It’s wonderful to see an entire community helping a husband to be a shelter for his wife during a difficult time. Though I spend most of my time talking about couples, I hope that EFT and creating connections within romantic relationships will one day have a positive ripple effect on everyday relationships as well. This is just one example of how loving responsiveness is the foundation of a truly compassionate, civilized society.”
Dr. Sue Johnson developed the Hold Me Tight program based on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and her bestselling book, Hold Me Tight, Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.
What we see across our Northern California communities is how bonded and available communities can become for each other. Healthy attachment is also a key in secure communities. We are in the midst of very vulnerable times here in Northern California, where whole towns are burned down, and thousands evacuated and displaced.
The same question that I explore with couples as a relationship therapist: A.R.E, (Accessible, Responsive, and Engaged), YOU there for me?, is answered with a resonating YES in our communities.
In a blog post few years ago, I explored how the question: A.R.E you there for me? (Accessible.Responsive.Engaged), is so crucial in the secure bong among couples.
During some recent natural disaster, a couple that attended our Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshop wrote that as they faced each other in the fear of lose, and possible evacuation, they felt the secure attachment that they can rely and depend on each other.
In these current times of extreme vulnerability, developing secure bonding and safe connected attachment with your partner, can be ever more crucial.
Would you want to learn and experience how to securely reach to your partner with this question, and feel safely connected?
Come join us in our next Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshop, JAN 12-13, 2019, in beautiful Nevada City, in northern California.
Are you longing for More Loving Connection, Deep Intimacy, Sincere Vulnerability, and Secure Attachment with your partner,
but instead you:
• have recurring fights that go round and round without resolution?
• lack affection, intimacy, closeness, or sex?
• feel alone, lonely, betrayed, abandoned?
Do you want to:
- feel more closeness, connection, understanding, and engagement?
- have good fulfilling communication?
- learn how to reach for your partner?
- talk about your need and hopes?
- reach new levels of intimate connection?
At our Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshop you will learn and experience how to:
• address negative cycle patterns, and learn why they show up, and how to get out of them
• learn how to repair and forgive injuries, and become vulnerable with each other
• enhance your emotional, physical, and sexual closeness and INTIMACY.
“I cannot do it right by her” he tells me. “I try to be emotional but then she thinks I am weak” he says, or “I hide my emotions and try to be reasonable but then she feels I am avoiding the issues and then when I do finally show anger (which is an emotion), she gets angry back.” And then he says, “I cannot win this,” and sighs, and then we give up, or resign, or withdraw or whatever we do (men and women) when we feel hopeless and helpless.”
In this powerful image we can see in huge dimension the inner conflicts of relationship. While the two adult figures (in the form of big metal cages!) are turning away in sorrow from each other, the inner selves are longing for the connection. In many cases, art can show us concepts that are hard to put into words, and this piece is a prime example of how very deep ideas can be conveyed without speaking. What an amazing symbol and depiction of the work I do with my couples in the office and in my workshops.
We fear that if we show show our vulnerability, and share our deep real primary emotions and talk about our hurts and needs, we will be looked at as weak, we will be dismissed or ridiculed, or worst of all, we will be abandoned and rejected by the person we turned to. That’s why it may feel ‘safer’ to close ourselves in ‘metal cages’ and turn away…
Though I lead this workshop regularly, it’s always a renewed, compelling experience for me to facilitate, witness, and hold space for the vulnerable reaching that occurs between partners during the workshop.