Hold Me Tight® Workshops

Forgiveness – Is It Even Possible?

Couples Therapy, Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT), Hold Me Tight® Workshops, Individual Therapy

The Freedom in Forgiveness and the Power of Apology

“Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.” – Marianne Williamson

We will hurt the ones we love. Our loved ones will hurt us. It is how to deal with this that matters.

Entering into a process of forgiveness is a choice. If you chose to not forgive, and you close yourself in order to not risk ever being hurt again…You lessen your chances for closeness and connections with your partner. Can I trust you? Will you let me down again? If I forgive, does it signal that it was OK?

If I had to identify one of the most challenging tasks that the couples I work with in couples therapy face, it is forgiveness. When a couple decides to come into counseling, as a result of an injury around lost of trust that had occurred, it is the inability to forgive and move on, that is keeping them stuck.

Most often, it is a discovery of an affair, infidelity, addiction, or other break in the trust in the relationship that was discovered or disclosed. At times a couple would try to ‘organize life around it’, ‘move on’, decide it is not ‘such a big deal’, try to transcend or bury the injury under the rush of life. Inevitably though, it will surface, and like anything suppressed, it will become combustible. Forgiveness is a way out, but it is also very difficult.

In her ground breaking work with Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT), the leading model of couples therapy, Dr. Sue Johnson uses attachment theory to explain so many of the forces at play in relationships. She wrote the book Hold Me Tight – Seven Conversation for a lifelong Love .

In her book, Dr. Johnson, devotes a full conversation to forgiveness as it is one of the most difficult tasks to overcome in a relationship’s attachment injuries and breakups. Johnson writes, “The first goal for partners is forgiveness. Just as with love, forgiveness has only recently become a topic of study by social scientists… “Letting go of resentment and absolving a person’s bad conduct is the right and good thing to do. But this decision alone will not restore faith in the injuring person and the relationship. What partners need is a special type of healing conversation that fosters not just forgiveness, but [also] the willingness to trust again.”

In my therapy practice, and in our Hold Me Tight workshops, I have been trying to help couples restore faith in the possibility of forgiveness and the power of apology and to bring back hope into the relationship.

In all relationships we make mistakes. We hurt those we love. Ruptures and injuries happen in most relationships. Time does not always heal. If we do not choose to enter the process of forgiveness, we decrease the chances of closeness and connection with our loved ones.

Dr. Sue Johnson and other relationship experts such as Drs. John and Julie Gottman, Dr. Fred Luskin of the Stanford Forgiveness Project and many others emphasize the importance of repair and forgiveness in loving, close, healthy relationships.

My dear colleagues Michelle Gannon, PhD and Sam Jinich, PhD have created a training and a teaching based on the Emotional Focused Therapy and Hold Me Tight (HMT) Model for forgiving injuries and using the power of apology. I have personally gained much from their work as well, the benefit of which is passed on to my clients.

The challenge of forgiveness lies not just with romantic relationships but also with relationships with friends, parents, siblings, colleagues, nations, and others. When we get hurt, there is a call inside of us to be protected and to ‘never again‘.

Growing up in Israel, in the shadow of the holocaust, I have encountered many survivors’ stories and how hard it is to begin trusting again and opening your heart to the possibility of forgiveness and redemption.

Jack Kornfield has written and talked much about forgiveness. In his words, “forgiveness is not just about the other. It’s really for the beauty of your soul. It’s for your own capacity to fulfill your life… Forgiveness is, in particular, the capacity to let go, to release the suffering, the sorrows, the burdens of the pains and betrayals of the past, and instead to choose the mystery of love.”

Forgiveness expert Fred Luskin explains what it takes to give up a grudge. “The essence of forgiveness is being resilient when things don’t go the way you want—to be at peace with “no,” be at peace with what is, be at peace with the vulnerability inherent in human life. Then you have to move forward and live your life without prejudice.”

Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.

Experts who study or teach forgiveness make clear that when you forgive, you do not gloss over or deny the seriousness of an offense against you. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses. Though forgiveness can help repair a damaged relationship, it doesn’t obligate you to reconcile with the person who harmed you, or release them from legal accountability.

In our May blog I wrote about a special ritual we do at our Hold Me Tight workshops, to secure the relationship bond, by creating a ritual of commitment and appreciation.

In the Forgiveness conversation of our Hold Me Tight workshops, we again will try to bring on the power of forgiveness for healing and for redemption in the relationship. In order to facilitate the ritual of forgiveness and a powerful true apology in a hurting relationship; we engage throughout the workshop in creating a safe place for the hurting partner in the relationship to talk about their pain and experience and to be received and given the sense of empathy, validation, comfort and acceptance.

We have all had the experience of an apology looking like this:

I am sorry YOU feel that way…
Saying you are sorry does not matter, are you going to change?
Sorry is cheap….
Well maybe I did that, but….
Fine… I am sorry…
It’s always my fault…
I am sorry… OK?…
I’ve apologized so many times already, it does not even matter….
I’ll apologize… if you apologize..

Even with best intentions, we will fail to reach our partners, with even the most sincere thoughtful apology. What is needed at times, is a creation of a safe place and ritual. A conversation where vulnerability, safety, and accessibility are pivotal pillars to holds space for both partners, to be heard and to heal.

At our Hold Me Tight relationship enhancement Workshop – participants will learn and experience how to:

• Affirm strengths in your relationship by developing understanding and bonding.
• Address negative cycle patterns, and learn why they show up, and how to get out of them.
• Learn how to repair and forgive injuries, and become vulnerable with each other.
• Enhance your emotional, physical, and sexual closeness and INTIMACY.

Please do not hesitate to call me with any questions or for more information. Looking forward to sharing the workshop with you and I hope you are enjoying this beautiful summer.

Warm regards,

Dalia

(530) 692 0680
dalia@daliaanderman.com
http://daliaanderman.com/workshops

RSVP on Facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/events/496868083845854/

Waking Up to Your Full Sexual Potential

Couples Therapy, Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT), Hold Me Tight® Workshops, Individual Therapy

Spring is here – are you ready to tap into the abundance of your sexual energy?

Yes. Spring is here, no question.. the flowers are bursting with colors, the poppies are flaming the hillside, the bees are humming in frenzy, the sacred Yuba River is flowing with abundance our much-needed water. Nature is alive. And so are we.

As we awake from our long winter hibernation, we humans also start buzzing with that powerful force of nature’s sexual energy.

As we respond to our DNA’s ancient call to find a mate, copulate, have sex, and reproduce; we uniquely also answer to our special human form of the call of ‘spring’; to partner, to fall in love, to make love.

When I sit in my office with my clients, at therapy sessions, weather it is a couple, or an individual, a teenager, or an 85 year-old, chances are, that no matter what the ‘presenting problem is’, at some point in the session and the conversation, the subject will be ‘SEX‘.

Though at times I will refer to sex as ‘Sacred Energy eXchange‘, and that it is, that elixir of love, that potion of passion and desire, that magic that lift us, it can all too soon become the source of pain, jealousy and despair. How is it that sex can tap into our most sublime states, and at the same time also be the root of our pain and disappointment.

It’s the power of sex. It is the origin of us. It is the force of nature working through our bodies, calling us to listen and to dial into its omnipotent potential. When we are connected to our partner in sex, we are open, naked, vulnerable, we let someone in, we allow the other to touch us, caress our naked body, penetrate us, become one with us. It is ultimately, a heightened, highly aware sense of pleasures. Many who talk about different forms of spiritual ecstasy, use similar language to our erotic sexual experiences.

Many of us baby boomers are still in the hold of the guilt and shame and secrecy of the ‘joy of sex’. We painstakingly learned to accept that we are sexual beings. As our generation grew up, we started to read and write books about ‘how to make love‘, or ‘how to enjoy sex‘, we started to allow the conversation to begin. But how often in my therapy session, I find partners, young and old, still being shy, embarrassed, shameful, intimidated and awkward, talking about the topic of their sex life. There are books, YouTube’s, sex videos and DvDs, their are sex workshops and retreats, there is an erotic revolution going out there, but most people, lovers, are still stuck. Spring may be calling, but we miss the call.

In her Elephant Journal article, Kristin Luce talks about the healing powers of sex and where that power comes from:

“…it began to occur to me that only in sex do we touch each other in the same place that we were conceived, that we were born, that we were nursed, and only in sex can we be held, adored and physically met in that same place. Perhaps that kind of sex is the only way that certain kinds of healing can take place. Our bodies themselves need to know that we are truly met, along with our hearts and minds.”

According to Dr. Sue Johnson, clinical psychologist, author of Hold Me Tight and Love Sense, and the initiator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, EFT , the leading model in couples therapy, the secret to prolonged erotic sex is in the secure connection.

‘Early on in a relationship, passion comes very easily to most couples. Almost every touch, glance or word is loaded with desire. But what happens to passion when you are six months into a relationship, or even 60 months in – or 60 years? Is it inevitable that it will fizzle out eventually or can you expect passion to last and even grow?’

Dr Sue Johnson believes that ‘the passion of infatuation is just the hors d’oeuvre. Loving sex in a long-term relationship is the entrée’. If we want to have great sex in a long-term relationship, then we need emotional connection and if we want to have emotional connection we need great sex. The two go hand-in-hand. Johnson believes you will have different goals for your sex life, depending on how comfortable you are with closeness overall and how safe you feel in needing your partner. She calls these three kinds of sex Sealed-Off Sex, Solace Sex, and Synchrony Sex.

So how do we maintain that magic even after those months or even the years, of the ‘honeymoon phase’ of a relationship, start to fade? Can that original powerful magic be sustainable? One of the toughest issues I face with my clients, couples or singles, is when that alluring elixir of love, that potent sexual energy ecstasy and desire is no longer there. We panic, we fall ‘out of love’, we become heart broken. Even if we are in a secure relationship and at the best of cases, we can talk about it, and even make it to therapy, it is still a loss that need to be attended to. Can we rescue it, rekindle it’s magic? As a couples therapist I say that this is a one of those ‘issues’ that bring couples into the therapy office.

Is it inevitable that that power that brought us together will abandon us, leaving us heartbroken and disappointed?

Psychotherapist Esther Perel is changing the conversation on what it means to be in love and have a fulfilling sex life. For the first time in human history, couples aren’t having sex just to have kids; there’s room for sustained desire, for couples to cultivate long-term sexual relationships. But how? Perel, a licensed marriage and family therapist, travels the world to help people answer this question.

For her research Perel works across cultures and is herself fluent in nine languages. She coaches and consults with organizations and families, holds a private psychotherapy practice in New York, and speaks regularly on erotic intelligence, trauma, conflict resolution and infidelity. She is the author of Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic.

Her 2013 TED talk, the “Secret to Desire in a Long Term Relationship,” had one million hits in the first two weeks it was posted, taking on an apparent epidemic of low-libido marriages in what is theoretically the least repressed era in modern history. (That may be part of the problem: “How can you desire what you already have?” Ms. Perel often asks in her talks.)

We see how powerful the force of sex is when we watch politicians and imminent public figures get lost and devastated by sex’s enormous power. We can say it is the abuse of power, but we can not deny that at times, when it is truly stronger than us, we are swept up by its current, unable to resist.

In her Psychology Today article, Pepper Schwartz invites us to acknowledge the power of sex and to have compassion and not just judgment when we are faced with its powers.

What is most clear to me after decades in the therapy office is that the most important thing is that we are ‘talking about sex’. The secret is out, we are allowing ourselves to talk, to ask, to question, to share, to want, to desire.

We are in the times of leaving behind shame and guilt and embrace ourselves as sexual beings, full with desire, and sexual energy. We are willing to admit and embrace that SEX can be complex, difficult, beautiful, magical, painful, it is all of the above. It is the ‘agony’ and the ‘ecstasy.’

We are learning to understand and accept that the power that made each one of us needs to be allowed to continue to flow in our life, and as this spring is awakening those deep forces in us, do not resist, allow, stand by with curiosity and surprise. You too can be swept away into its current. Surrender.

If you would like to explore your own obstacles to reaching your full potential for sexual fulfillment and learn how to talk about sex with your partner, consider contacting me for a free consultation. I also offer couples workshops where in an intimate and safe environment we learn how to recognize our obstacles and how to communicate.

The HOLIDAY season often brings unwelcome guests – STRESS!

Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT), Hold Me Tight® Workshops, Individual Therapy

How to find light when darkness is around us, and how do we turn to loved ones to get comfort?

Lately in my practice I have been noticing, that as the beauty of Fall gives way to the dark of Winter, as the days get shorter and the temperatures drop, that for some, when this seasonal change begins, it comes with a sense of foreboding. It could be as serious as S.A.D (seasonal affect disorder)— for some, it is just the melancholia of winter, or the stress of the holidays.

To add to this seasonal stress we have all been experiencing, there are the anxieties and fears spread by violent and harmful events in our country and in the world. It is at times of such collective stress that we are left feeling vulnerable and alone. In the face of all the latest disturbing events, during this holiday season, we may find ourselves needing to connect with each other even more strongly.

We are realizing that the world is getting smaller, that we are all connected, and that we need to rely and depend on each other. Community, family, relationships, and tribal connection are in our DNA and though some of us may be living in tribes of 1 or 2, reaching out to others becomes ever-so important! It is in those times of stress and of celebration that creating and maintaining our secure attachment connections becomes paramount. In my practice, this time of year, I find that families and couples are struggling to find that secure bond.

Holidays celebrations bring people together; families, tribes, communities and friends at times go on long journeys to connect with loved ones during the Holidays. We naturally turn to each other, to our people, to get comfort and connection and to ward off the hard times because we know that being in touch with those we love is reassuring.

Few months present the multicultural celebrations that December does! Whether you celebrate Christmas, St Nicholas Day, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Solstice, Diwali, Kwanzaa, St. Lucia, Eid al-Fitr, Boxing Day, Saturnalia, Three Kings Day… or any other holiday this month, chances are that it is celebrated with LIGHTS.

The Winter Solstice occurs on either December 20, 21, 22, or 23 in the Northern Hemisphere, where it is the shortest day of the year. People all over the world participate with festivals and celebrations. Long ago, people celebrated by lighting bonfires and candles to coax back the sun. At times of darkness and cold weather, we try to bring in lights and warmth.

Traditions of sitting around the fire, with lights, decorations, music, special foods and feasts, abound. Here in the US, our celebrations include giving gifts, parties, and family get-togethers, which can be wonderful and/or stressful.

Here are some tips to watch for, prevent, and cope with, holiday stress:

1. Be realistic. The holidays don’t have to be PERFECT or ‘just like last year’.. Allow for change and flexibility. As families change and grow, traditions and rituals often change as well.

2. Stick to a BUDGET. Before you go gift and food shopping, decide how much money you can afford to spend. Then stick to your budget. Often we feel the need to spend money to show our love. But many times presence comes before presents. And baking cookies or fudge can be economical yummy and fun!!

3. Plan ahead. Set aside specific days for shopping, baking, visiting friends and other activities. Plan your menus, make your shopping list, know how much time it takes to accomplish what you hope for, and take into account that everything takes longer during the holidays, including traffic!

4. Acknowledge your feelings. If you or someone you close to, has recently experienced a loss, or can’t be with loved ones, realize that it’s normal to feel sadness and grief. It’s OK to take time to cry or express your feelings. Be honest. Express your needs. Reach out. If you feel lonely or isolated, seek out community, religious or other social events. They can offer support and companionship.

5. Learn to say no. Saying yes when you should say no can leave you feeling resentful and overwhelmed. Friends and colleagues will understand if you can’t participate in every project or activity. So often we overextend ourselves only to feel spent exhausted and depleted. Set clear boundaries even with family and friends.

6. Make sure to take some time for yourself. Spending just 15 minutes alone, without distractions, may refresh you enough to handle everything you need to do. Don’t neglect your daily practice of exercising, yoga, or meditation.

7. Take time to do NOTHING AT ALL!!!

So with some practical tips, paying attention, and following some of the above, you can minimize the stress of the holidays. You may even end up enjoying the holidays more than you thought you would.

Please join me and Susan Schreiber on the Women’s Show next monday December 14th at 8pm on KVMR.org where we will be discussing Holiday Stress and How to Cope. Listen in at http://KVMR.org or for the Nevada City, area listen live at 89.5FM on the radio.

~ Please write any comments or questions you may have below.

Thank you.

~ Dalia Anderman, MFT ~

You Are Here!! Now… Where Do You Want to Go?

Couples Therapy, Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT), Hold Me Tight® Workshops, Individual Therapy

How is it that traveling and psychotherapy are related?

‘Long time ago’ when we traveled we use to use maps.. Yes, those paper folded treasures, which you opened as you stepped out into the unknown city streets, looking for the nearest coffee shop or simply to know ‘where you are’.
Now there’s google maps, and citymapper apps on your smart phone, and so many other techie devices to help you find your way when you’re lost.
I personally still prefer those ‘real’ maps.. (and paper books too..) and then there are those signs on the street corners and boulevards that help you find your way when you are confused and tell you ‘you are here‘!
When I am in my therapy office (when I’m not traveling, that is..), I often try to help clients explore that same question of ‘where am I – where do I want to go — and how do I get there.’

At times, therapy is somewhat like creating a map that helps us find our way through mazes of confusion, navigating crossroads, grief, decisions, relationships, family, careers, anxieties, spiritual questions and so much more.

Having a map can be useful and important. It helps to know these three places on the map of our lives: Where am I? Where to I want to go? How do I get there?

It’s not always a simple inquiry, at times it will take a while to figure it out, but once we set on the journey, it all becomes clearer.

For me, being a therapist is like being a tour guide. I somehow can help with finding the way in these foreign landscapes and trails of psychological exploration and also can help my clients when they are lost. I do not have answers, I just hold space for the journey.

And just as I love exploring new countries, cities, and landscapes, I love sitting in my office with my clients, helping them explore their own landscapes and where they want to go. At times it’s all about seeing the same landscapes with new eyes.

It gets even more complex in my couples work, as the journey is somewhat more compounded and at times complicated and confusing. Not only do couples need to find a mutual journey, they also bring different maps, needs, wants, expectations, hurts and hopes into the landscape.

In her books, Hold Me Tight and Love Sense, Dr. Sue Johnson writes that now for the first time in the history of love, we have a map for love and for relationships. “Romantic love is not the least bit illogical or random. It is the continuation of an ordered and wise recipe for survival. We now have a map that can guide us in creating, healing and sustaining love. This is a consummate breakthrough.”

John Gottman, Ph.D., author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, writes about Hold Me Tight: “At last, a road map through Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy with its creator. Dr. Johnson’s superb science, humor, and clinical wisdom are finally accessible to all of us. I couldn’t pick a smarter, warmer, and more real guide for this journey.”

When we realize the patterns we created and the complexity of the negative cycles we get caught in, we can find where we are on the map of our relationship and then, with patience, love and therapy, find our way back to each other and to the relationship we once had.

In a recent testimonial from my last Hold Me Tight workshop, A&B say that after the workshop they started understanding their cycle of conflicts and disconnection. They were seeing their recovery time exponentially shorter. Rather then spend days in their ‘fight or flight’, or ‘freeze and flee’, they are able to recognize where they are and find their way back!

They have found the map that helped them find where they are and their way back together. They can identify when their relationship gets hijacked by the panic of disconnection and the protesting when they feel their partner moving away from them. They now possess the understanding of how their fears makes them get lost and how they can again find their way through. They can then communicate more clearly about their vulnerability and their needs.

One of the reasons I love traveling so much is that time stretches. It’s like being in a time machine, living as if time slows down. So much gets packed in a day. It feels like forever. It’s hard to believe it’s only been two weeks since I left town to go visit my daughter in London (with an added bonus of visiting friends in Paris).

I enjoyed spending precious time with my daughter and seeing old friends and also enjoyed that edge of my wanderlust, reminding me of how much I love to explore the world, being open and getting lost and found on the journey.

There’s vulnerability in travel: stepping out of our comfort zone into new language, new currency, new streets, landscapes and maps. Not knowing where you are or how to get to where you’re going can be scary at times.

“To my mind, the greatest reward and luxury of travel is to be able to experience everyday things as if for the first time, to be in a position in which almost nothing is so familiar it is taken for granted.” – Bill Bryson

Our Hold Me Tight workshop in October was an amazing experience. The testimonials were superb. I’m always honored to spend a weekend with couples committed to ‘figuring things out’, learning and tuning into each other, and finding their way back to communication, intimacy, and loving bonding.

There will another Hold Me Tight couples workshop coming up in Spring of 2016 in Nevada City, California. Contact me for more information.

What do ‘Burning Man’, ‘Psychs on Bikes’ and ‘Hold Me Tight’ ® have in common?

Couples Therapy, Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT), Hold Me Tight® Workshops, Individual Therapy

and why am I so compelled by both.. ?

Those of you who know me, know that every year on the week leading up to Labor Day, I make a pilgrimage to the Black Rock Desert in Nevada to partake in the Burning Man festival event.

Burning Man is a temporary city of 70K + participants, based on principles of self reliance and sharing and gifting economy, culminating with a ‘burning of the man’, and burning of the Temple at the closing of the week.

I find Burning Man, with its gigantic artistic and creative art installations, enormous pilgrimages from all over the world, the principles of sharing, gifting and self-reliance, and the conflicting beauty and hardship of the tough desert conditions to be compelling.

I have also over the years of participating, found my own way to contribute to this amazing event. I now go every year as part of the medical team on the Mental Health Branch (CIT- Critical Incident Team) of the Emergency Service Department (ESD), they call us ‘psychs on bikes’. We provide mental health services to deal with anything from ‘home sickness’ to ‘drug over dose’, to sexual assault and domestic violence.

But every year I come to a breaking point where the heat, the noise, the sand storms, the dusty whiteout (this year was intense!), and the stress, make me vow this is my last year, and YET every February when signup time comes, I am compelled to say ‘yes’ and cannot wait for that next time I get to be part of such a community event!

This year on the Playa, there was an immense art installation (sculpture) called LOVE, and it answered the question of ‘why am I so compelled’ by both; the work I do at Burning Man, and the work I do at home with my couples counseling and psychotherapy, and the Hold Me Tight® couples workshops I hold a few times a year.

This art installation piece called LOVE is a sculpture by Ukraine artist Alexandr Milov. It demonstrates a conflict between a man and a woman as well as the outer and inner expression of human nature. The figures of the protagonists are made in the form of big metal cages, where their inner selves are captivated. Their inner selves are executed in the form of transparent children, who are holding out their hands through the grating to each other.

Those two wire frames of two adults sitting back to back, with their heads in their hands in disagreement with one another, while their ‘inner selves’ lit up inside of them reaching out to connect with the other person, is a representation of our relationships.

In this powerful image we can see in huge dimension the inner conflicts of relationship. While the two adult figures (in the form of big metal cages!), turning away in sorrow from each other, the inner selves are longing for the connection. In many cases, art can show us concepts that are hard to put into words, and this piece is a prime example of how very deep ideas can be conveyed without speaking. What an amazing symbol and depiction of the work I do with my couples in the office and in my workshops.

When we are in conflict with our loved one, we turn away from each other in panic, hurt, rage, anger, and pain. We do not know how to reach out and be vulnerable with each other, BUT the ‘inner self’, that part of us that is longing for the connection, does….

We fear that if we show our deep real primary emotions and talk about our hurts and needs, we will be looked at as weak, we will be dismissed or ridiculed, or worst of all, we will be abandoned and rejected by the person we turned to. That’s why it may feel ‘safer’ to close ourselves in ‘metal cages’ and turn away…

This last weekend I had the honor and privilege to lead my HMT (Hold Me Tight) workshop here in beautiful Nevada City. Though I lead this workshop regularly, it’s always a renewed compelling experience for me to facilitate the changes, risks, reaching outs and being vulnerable and open, that the participating couples experience.

I am always touched and inspired by the risk and the willingness to ‘take the elevator’ and go into ‘raw spots’, talk about fears, pains, and hurts, move into forgiveness and ask for needs in a way that calls partners in rather then pushes them away. I’m always amazed to be in the presence of and hold space for couples who are moving out of and turning around those metal cages and being open and willing to become those illuminated inner figures in the sculpture of ‘LOVE.’

In these days of uncertainties, with stress over the fires, the drought, mass shootings, and other dangers, local and global, it is more important than ever that we reach out to our loved one/s, to the ‘other’ that we feel #securely #attached to.

When we feel in danger or vulnerable, when fear and anxiety take over, our need for depending on our loved ones, becomes ever more so acute. We want to know that we can reach out to our partner and loved ones, and know that ‘they have our back’, and that our cry ‘are you there for me’? will be answered with a resounding YES!

Yes. We are mammals and we are wired for connection! When connection is threatened, we feel the primal panic that sends us into a fight-flight danger response. In our important relations it may look like fights – conflicts – protests for connection. We find comfort and strength in the bond with our loved ones. When that bond is questioned, when the bond is in distress, our sense of safety gets triggered, our cortisol hormone (the stress and danger hormone), gets activated and we stress, we yell, we fight or flight, we react!

It is possible to find comfort in connection. When we can reach out and call our loved one in, they will respond in a non-defensive way. We can then feel reassured that we are not alone and repair, so that forgiveness and love are again in our reach.

Though the Burning Man fest with all its hype gets its high profile from the arts and craziness, I believe that what draws so many of us there is the LONGING FOR CONNECTION. So is our relationship fight… We are tribal in our DNA… We are mammals. And as aloneness and loneliness is becoming the plague of our times, big tribal celebrations become ever so popular.

Why Men Do Not Show Emotions? – or Do They?

Couples Therapy, Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT), Hold Me Tight® Workshops

In my Twenty+ years of marriage, I used to have endless conflicts with my then-husband about him not talking, not sharing emotions, not being as verbal as I wanted him to be. A caring, compassionate, soft-spoken quiet man, I would take his quietness personally, and would protest it endlessly.

It was years later after our divorce, after becoming a competent psychologist and marriage psychotherapist, that I would look back wondering “if I knew then what I know now…”

He was showing up the way he knew best how to show up. Being competent himself in his brilliant mind, and a superior business man, he would rather do more of what he felt confident doing, and less of what I wanted and needed him to do. And the more I nagged with unhappiness.. the more he moved toward where he felt successful… his work.

Whenever a frustrated woman in a therapy session asks me the question, “why doesn’t he talk to me about his emotions” or on the contrary, the frustrated man is trying so hard to explain and show their emotional side to their partners; I ponder if the word we call emotion is to ‘blame’? or maybe it’s that men and woman have different ways to show emotions? or is it that we are scared to talk about our emotions for fear we will get it ‘wrong’, or from the feared negative consequences?

According to Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of EFT (Emotional Focused Therapy), we at times do not show our emotions, or talk about them, because we are afraid. The fear of being vulnerable, the fear of being rejected or abandoned, the fear of being wrong, the fear of not doing it ‘right’… Men may have a harder time showing and expressing their emotions, partly because they may be afraid to get it wrong and are quicker to withdraw into the ‘freeze or flee’ or ‘fight or flight’ mode prompted by a primary panic button of danger.

“I cannot do it right by her” he tells me. “I try to be emotional but then she thinks I am weak” he says, or “I hide my emotions and try to be reasonable but then she feels I am avoiding the issues and then when I do finally show anger (which is an emotion), she gets angry back.” And then he says, “I cannot win this,” and sighs, and then we give up, or resign, or withdraw or whatever we do (men and women) when we feel hopeless and helpless.

Many times I come across the notion from the experience of women, that men simply “do not have feelings.” This is far from the case. The problem is that women believe men should feel things the way they do. The truth is that men have a much harder time processing these feelings. Men are taught from an early age that they need to be strong, confident and stoic. They begin to equate emotions with weakness.

One of the aspects we explore in my Hold Me Tight workshops is the ability to find the space for both partners in a couples to share and explore their emotions in a safe and vulnerable way. Most of the time we start “talking” about our emotions at a times of highly escalated conflict. In our workshop we follow Sue Johnson’s Seven Conversation for a long lasting relationship.

In the famous book Man is from Mars, Woman are from Venus, John Grey writes:
‘We expect the opposite sex to be more like ourselves. We desire them to “want what we want” and “feel the way we feel”. We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways – the ways we react and behave when we love someone. We have forgotten that men and women are supposed to be different. Clearly recognizing and respecting these differences dramatically reduce confusion when dealing with the opposite sex.

In one of the latest Elephant blogs, Keith Artisan writes:
Men don’t fall short in the emotional realm because we are emotionally immature. We are emotionally inexperienced. Men face expectations and pressure about emotions that are confusing and contradictory. And when we find a woman who loves us and we love in return, it brings to life a living fire that had been suppressed for a lifetime. Yet fires burn, and the burgeoning sensitivities is akin to a child learning to walk. We fall down, we make blunders, and we are blind as to how to listen and communicate our emotions.

In the book Five Languages of Love, Gary Chapman outlines 5 ways to express and experience love, what he calls “love languages.” They are: gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch. Chapman claims that emotionally, people need to receive love. He suggests that each person has one primary and one secondary love language. To discover a love language, we must observe the way we express love to others. To express love and emotions, we should not use the love language that we like the most, but rather the love languages that we know our loved one will receive. People tend to naturally give love in the way we prefer to receive.

Is it possible that Emotions can be viewed in a similar way? Is it possible that we all show our emotions in different language?

In his book What Men Don’t Tell Women about Business: Opening Up the Heavily Guarded Alpha Male Playbook, Christopher Flett claims men don’t often exhibit emotion “because we are taught that it is weak to do so. Men don’t cry! Or if we do, we’ll rarely admit to it. The truth is we do get emotional; we just don’t show it. Our fathers pull us aside and tell us to be two-faced: a private face you have outside of the public eye, and a public face that shows no weakness.” Do “big boys don’t cry” and “take it like a man” sound familiar?

One of the Ten Commandments of masculinity is “Thou shall not feel.” This kind of mind-heart disconnect begins when boys are in the early years of elementary school. You’ll see kindergarten and first-grade boys bringing stuffed animals from home to comfort them amid their fear of the social demands of school. They’ll even hold hands and put their arms around other boys and girls to show affection and express joy. By second grade, male indoctrination begins. Boys are sissies if they show fear, pain or heaven forbid the most taboo expression of all: crying.

Things do not get any easier when the partner in the relationship are of the same gender. It is always a struggle to share emotions, especially when we have blame and shame shaping the relationship after a long stretch of escalated fights.

In the Pixar movie, Inside Out – we see the role emotions play in shaping our experiences. Through this animated film, we see how emotions organize — rather than disrupt — rational thinking. Traditionally, in the history of Western thought, the prevailing view has been that emotions are enemies of rationality and disruptive of cooperative social relations.

Learning more about emotions and/or sharing them and/or managing the fear, primal panic, anger or joy behind them, is a life-long process.

In therapy, I try to encourage curiosity, inquiry, tolerance, respect, vulnerability, softness and more than anything, love of oneself and the other.

Please call me for free consultation. Or to inquire or register for the upcoming workshop in September, go to my website.

Experience this ground-breaking work to renew trust and intimacy within your relationship, deepen your emotional connection and closeness with one another and create a secure base for both people to flourish.

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