Dalia Anderman, LMFT

Emotional Focus Therapy

couples

Pushing Beyond our Comfort Zone

Couples Therapy, Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT), Hold Me Tight® Workshops

Dear Reader,

Decades ago, when I was in my early 30’s, I was traveling in South East Asia and went trekking in the Himalayas of Nepal and Northern India. I always dreamt of going back to those mountains. There is a saying that the Himalayas start where all other mountains end, and for me, being a traveler, they brought a sense of awe, inspiration, and reverence.

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it; Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

And so there I was, flying into Leh this August to go on a trek in Ladakh and Zanskar, which are in the Northern India Himalayas.

During the trek we had local Ladakh villagers, many of them Tibetan refugees, with horses and donkeys carrying our things over the mountains and setting camp. Every night they waited for us with bright beautiful smiles, hot chai, a warm meal, and with the greetings you hear all over the range, “Julley-Julley.”

Ladakh, home to a variety of Tibetan schools of Buddhism, has shown so much respect to the Dalai Lama. Their devotion and faith in the Dalai Lama is unrivaled anywhere in India.

The Himalayas are immense and powerful. We hiked around 10-15 miles a day, at high elevations of 12,000~14,000 feet, crossing passes at 15,700 feet. The altitude was hard to navigate, as every step seemed to take so much out of me. It was super challenging, and at times, I wondered if I was brave or insane, while asking myself ‘what was thinking… (I wasn’t ;).

I was for sure the oldest in my trekking group and guides, and often made it to camp many hours after everyone else.

A sweet touching moments on this journey was when I was apologizing for being so slow and one of the locals guides told me how inspiring it was that I was trekking at a similar age to his grandmothers who could hardly walk let alone trek.

It was difficult and challenging, and definitely outside of my comfort zone, but I am so glad I did it! It was a transformative experience and an opportunity to turn a breakdown into a breakthrough.

I needed that time away. 2024 has been a difficult year. Pushing myself beyond my comfort zone, discovering new landscapes externally as well as internally, and fostering new meditations and understandings.

This week is Rosh H’Shanna, the Jewish New Year. Shanna Tova. May this year bring safety, healing, and peace to ALL.

We don’t stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing.

George Bernard Shaw

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.

Helen Keller

Valentines Day ’25 in Costa Rica

And speaking of pushing an edge, after more than a decade of offering our Hold Me Tight® Couple workshops here in Northern California, we are offering this breakthrough retreat in Costa Rica.

If you and your partner are looking to adventure this next Valentine Day, to push the edge of your relationship, to take risks and explore heights and the depths, come with us! I am excited and inspired to announce our Hold Me Tight® Couples Retreat at the Imiloa Institute in Costa Rica for Valentine’s Day 2025 (February 11-16).

At this Hold Me Tight® Couples Retreat, you and your partner will have the opportunity to take a deep dive into your relationship:

  • Affirm strengths in the relationship through understanding, communication, and bonding.
  • Address negative cycle patterns; Learn why they show up and how to get out of them.
  • Learn how to repair and forgive injuries and become vulnerable with each other. 
  • Enhance emotional, physical, and sexual closeness and intimacy.

Processing is done as couples, and when we connect as a group, sharing is optional.

Included

  • Accommodations – five nights and six days at Imiloa Eco-luxury Retreat Center
  • Charter Flight from SJO (San Jose Costa Rica), airport to an small airport close to the retreat center
  • IMILOA Shuttle Service All-inclusive luxury SUV ground transportation
  • Plant-based, organic, locally sourced, gourmet meals, created each day by a master 5-star chef
  • A campus devoted to our retreat, tucked in the Costa Rica jungle
  • Access to a private waterfall, miles of nature paths, incredible flora and fauna, and an ocean view infinity pool
  • Yoga classes taught by the local instructors
  • Access to an online resource library
  • A workbook full with conversations and communication exercises, skill building toolkit, and much more
  • Special excursions
  • Magical surprises

Co-Facilitator

Owen Marcus, MA, author, workshop facilitator, co-founder and creator of the EVRYMAN Method, co-founder of MELD, and TEDxTalk presenter on Masculine Emotional Intelligence, will once again be co-leading this workshop with me. (Owen’s TEDX talk)

With a rich background in leading men’s groups and trainings across the country, Owen specializes in guiding men to embrace vulnerability. His expertise extends to working with couples, and he has shared his methods with a diverse audience, including therapists, NGOs, and major tech firms like Google. Owen’s deep experience and innovative approach, honed through co-founding EVRYMAN and now co-leading his latest venture, MELD, promises to significantly enrich the dynamics of the workshop.

Register here

We keep our workshops small to ensure privacy, safety, and personal attention.
Space is limited. We welcome all couples!!
(Please FORWARD to anyone you think will benefit from this work.)

In gratitude and love to all of you,
~Dalia


P: 530-692-0680
DIRECT EMAIL, or via
CONTACT FORM


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Hold Me Tight® is a registered trademark of Sue Johnson, founder and originator of Emotionally Focused Therapy.

S.A.D., in So Many Ways

Couples Intensive, Couples Therapy, Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT), Hold Me Tight® Workshops

Dear Readers,

I started writing this blog over a month ago now.

Every year, as we move into the fall season and the trees start to change colors and the days become shorter, I write a seasonal blog post to bring awareness to Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.) as well as strategies to prepare and cope with it. When I started writing this year, my working title was “S.A.D. is here…are you ready?”

However, in an unexpected twist, I found myself wholly unprepared for the tragic and sad events that took place on October 7th. The day when my homeland of Israel was attacked, when innocent civilians with babies, children, youths and elders among them were brutally murdered and taken hostage.

Regardless of where you stand geopolitically, the loss of so many innocent peoples’ lives and the violence of the attack left me, my family, my family of friends, and the whole country of Israel in shock, in deep pain, and in acute grief. And in additional to the terror of the attack, the war and violence continue.

I feel deep gratitude for all of you who reached out to me with care, empathy, and to offer sympathy to my country. For a month now I have been frozen in grief, not able to reach out or to finish my blog. When we are grieving, life can feel like it’s been reduced to only what’s necessary to survive.

As I’ve started to write again, this post has taken on a different name: SAD in So Many Ways. The sadness of innocent lives lost, of the loss of hope for peace, and of being caught between governments on both sides that do not care about their citizens.

In Ester Perel’s recent blog post, Reading & Writing in a Time of War, she talks about coming together with each other in times of grief.

‘Despite all that is splitting us, we are trying to really see each other and connect through our humanity. We talk about our grief, how our feelings aren’t binary, how we agree more than disagree. We talk about the people who are experiencing the hell of war on the ground—loved ones, friends of friends, and strangers—and how we can help them. We are not turning away from this conflict, we are turning toward each other. As Peter Levine says, “Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathic witness.”’

She also gives advice about how to approach this conversation.

‘ – Try reaching out to someone in your life whom you know is close to this conflict.
– You don’t need to make a point.
– Keep it general but heartfelt.
–“My friend, I have been thinking about you and wanted to affirm our connection. There is so much to say about this war but, right now, I just want you to know that our friendship is important to me. If you ever want to correspond more about what is happening or just about life, I am here”
– Release yourself of the expectation to get anything in return. this is a difficult time for so many and we are all processing it in our own way.
– What matters is that you show you care.’

There are no winners in war,
but countless lives will be torn apart.

Filippo Grandi, head of the UN refugee agency, UNHCR

Seasonal Affective Disorder

And while feeling all of the sadness, I still want to speak a bit, on Seasonal Affective Disorder, and it’s impact.

As the days get shorter and the nights get longer, fall leads into the darker portion of the year in the northern hemisphere. Along with this shift into the darker months, some of us will experience mild or even sever changes in our emotional states. Even if you’ve never suffered from depression, you can experience symptoms of S.A.D.

It’s important to be aware of S.A.D. so that if you are impacted, you can take steps to find the support you need. Don’t brush off that yearly feeling as simply a case of the “winter blues” or a seasonal funk that you have to tough out on your own. Take steps to keep your mood and motivation steady throughout the year. Treatments for S.A.D. can include light therapy (phototherapy), psychotherapy, and at times supplements such as Vitamin D or medications.

I have been so grateful to have my therapy practice to lean into in these times. Being with my clients in the office gives me a sense of hope and purpose, a feeling that regardless of what is happening, I can still contribute to making the world a better place, one hour at a time.

Big News: Hold Me Tight® Costa Rica

Many of you have followed my Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshops journey. You have seen me offer, facilitate, and lead successful Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshops here in Nevada City, CA, over the past ten years. Earlier this year, I decided to take a leap and push a new edge for myself; I booked a Hold Me Tight® Couples Retreat, this coming May, at the beautiful Imiloa Institute in Costa Rica.

A view from Imiloa Institute in Costa Rica where we will be holding our next Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshops this coming May.

After the tragic events in Israel and seeing my homeland go through such hard dark times, I’ve had a difficult time sharing about this retreat, feeling the stark juxtaposition of such a joyful experience, against the reality of so much suffering.

However, I’ve realized that now, more than any other time, we need connection, and we need to heal, and we need to find ways to reignite our belief in love and life.

And so, I want to invite you to share this new adventure and challenge with me at our next Hold Me Tight® Couples Retreat in Costa Rica at the Imiloa Institute. Join us for 6 days, May 18-23, 2024, to share, and to reignite your relationship, in the magnificent healing beauty of Costa Rica; in the midst of a lush jungle with toucans, sloths, monkeys, butterflies, and your partner.

Once again, I am feeling immense gratitude to Dr. Sue Johnson on whose work Hold Me Tight® Workshops are based. She embarked on this journey of figuring out couples relationships and broke the code for “‘what it is to love,” discovered the obstacles to secure attachments, and pioneered how to form long lasting bonding connections with our loved ones.

Owen Marcus, MA, author, workshop facilitator, co-founder of EVRYMAN, and TEDxTalk presenter on Masculine Emotional Intelligence, will once again be co-leading this workshop with me. (Owen’s TEDX talk).

Owen brings with him the width of decades of leading and facilitating men’s group all over the country, helping men access their masculine vulnerability.  Owen’s presence, and his work with couples and men, will enhance this upcoming Hold Me Tight® retreat.

Flyer for our upcoming Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshops at Imiloa Institute in Costa Rica.

We are looking forward to share this Hold Me Tight® Couples Retreat and are happy to answer any questions you might have during a free consultation. Please fill out our brief questionnaire to ensure we tailor this consultation to your needs and help us make the most out of our 30-minute session together.

We are offering a 10% reduced fee for early registration.
Fill out a brief questionnaire to book a free 30 minute consultation for more information.
Book free 30 minute consult

Please do not hesitate to contact me privately by email at dalia@daliaanderman.com, or call or text my cell: 530.218.2721.

In gratitude and love to all of you,
Dalia


P: 530-692-0680
DIRECT EMAIL, or via
CONTACT FORM


Facebook | HOLD ME TIGHT® WORKSHOPS

Hold Me Tight® is a registered trademark of Sue Johnson, founder and originator of Emotionally Focused Therapy.

Hold Me Tight® Couples Retreat

Couples Therapy, Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT), Hold Me Tight® Workshops

Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshop
 Nevada City, California, January 29-30, 2022
We Invite and Welcome all Couples!

Dear readers, colleagues, and friends,

Many of you have been asking and waiting for our Hold Me Tight® couples workshops to reopen. Well, our first is finally here (and in person).

The pandemic has been a long time of uncertainty, fear, isolation, shut down, and other struggles. Many of you have written to us about our Connection in time of Isolation webinar and have shared how helpful it was during the lock down to have new ways to connect and communicate with your partners.

Man and woman connecting.

I am excited to announce that Owen Marcus, MA, author, workshop facilitator, co-founder of EVRYMAN, and TEDxTalk presenter on Masculine Emotional Intelligence, will once again be co-leading the workshop with me. (Owen’s TEDX talk: What 10,000 Years Of Progress Has Cost.)

Owen brings with him the width of decades of leading and facilitating men’s group all over the country, helping men access their masculine vulnerability.  Owen’s presence, and his work with couples and men, will enhance this upcoming Hold Me Tight workshop. Owen has co-founded, and been intensely involved in EVRYMAN,  reaching men all over the world, helping them to access and connect with their deep emotions and vulnerability.

In this Hold Me Tight® couples workshop you will benefit from combining over two decades of my work helping couples to understand and undo the repeated overwhelming negative cycles in their relationships, and Owen Marcus’s decades of understanding, leading, and teaching men how to connect.

Merging the work of adult attachment, researched and modeled in Emotional Focused Therapy, with Owen’s incredible work of helping men to get in touch with themselves and their loved ones allows the potential of deep shifts and lasting change.

This 2-day workshop, gave us more tools and connection then many months of therapy. It allowed my partner and I to open up more directly and deepen our honesty and our intimacy. We were able to witness each other in ways that we didn’t realize were needed or possible. A must for your relationship. Highly recommend.

Recent Participant
Couple reconnecting in nature.

Hold Me Tight® Relationship Workshop

Have you been having a hard time in your relationship? Have you felt isolated, lonely, disconnected?

Are you longing for CONNECTION, better communication , romance, and  INTIMACY?

BUT instead you:
• Have recurring fights without resolution..
• Lack affection, intimacy or sex..
• Feel alone, lonely, or betrayed..

Do You want to feel more closeness, understanding, and engagement?

Or, are you looking for a beautiful time to enhance your connection and highlight the strengths of your relationship by going deeper and building on the positive foundation that already exist?

This is a great opportunity to have a deeper, intimate, and vulnerable look at your relationship, and develop new emotional, physical, and sexual closeness.

In this workshop you can:

• Forgive old injuries, and heal wounds of abandonment, rejection, and betrayal.
• Access the underlying emotions in the negative cycle you get caught in, over and over. 
• Revisit past events that have become unresolved issues, and create change events.
• Talk about sex, intimacy, and what is blocking you from living your full sexual potential.
• Create rituals and talk about how to maintain the breakthroughs of the weekend.

With the workshop’s strong, safe, well designed, and practiced structure, you will be able to open up to your partner and to your relationship. Together you two will explore and understand the barriers to the love, care, intimacy, and sexual sacredness that you once shared and both long for.

What is included in the workshop?

• A workbook full of information, education, guidance, and helpful exercises.
• Engaging presentations, video demonstrations of other real life couples, communication and experiential exercises, and the opportunity for many private exercises and conversations with your partner.
• Owen and Dalia will be available to give you personal time, support, and guidance as needed throughout the weekend.
• An amazing opportunity to take a ‘time-out’ of your rushed life, for your sacred intimacy!!!
• We provide continental breakfast, coffee, fruit, tea and healthy light snacks throughout the day.

What’s not included.
• Lunch is on your own. Please feel free to bring your own snacks and drinks as well (We are located in Grass Valley near cafes, restaurant and delis).
• Accommodation is not included in the cost of the weekend, but some couples find it a unique opportunity to make the weekend into a retreat. There are a lot of sweet unique Airbnb’s and hotels in our beautiful town. We will be happy to share some suggestions with you.

We keep our workshops small to ensure privacy, safety, and personal attention.
Spaces are very limited. Click here for more information and registration

You can also contact me via the direct email link below.
Looking forward to hearing from you,

Dalia


P: 530-692-0680
DIRECT EMAIL, or via
CONTACT FORM


Facebook | HOLD ME TIGHT® WORKSHOPS

Hold Me Tight® is a registered trademark of Sue Johnson, founder and originator of Emotionally Focused Therapy.

Attention Men – Vulnerability Is An Aphrodisiac..

Couples Therapy, Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT), Hold Me Tight® Workshops

In 2015 I wrote a blog about Why Men do Not show emotions ?

I re-read my blog today, and here is some of what I wrote:

“Whenever a frustrated woman in a therapy session asks me the question, “why doesn’t he talk to meWhy do we get ANGRY so quickly? about his emotions” or on the contrary, the frustrated man is trying so hard to explain and show their emotional side to their partners; I ponder if the word we call emotion is to ‘blame’? or maybe it’s that men and woman have different ways to show emotions? or is it that we are scared to talk about our emotions for fear we will get it ‘wrong’, or from the feared negative consequences?

According to Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of EFT (Emotional Focused Therapy), we at times do not show our emotions, or talk about them, because we are afraid. The fear of being vulnerable, the fear of being rejected or abandoned, the fear of being wrong, the fear of not doing it ‘right’… Men may have a harder time showing and expressing their emotions, partly because they may be afraid to get it wrong and are quicker to withdraw into the ‘freeze or flee’ or ‘fight or flight’ mode prompted by a primary panic button of danger.

“I cannot do it right by her” he tells me. “I try to be emotional but then she thinks I am weak” he says, or “I hide my emotions and try to be reasonable but then she feels I am avoiding the issues and then when I do finally show anger (which is an emotion), she gets angry back.” And then he says, “I cannot win this,” and sighs, and then we give up, or resign, or withdraw or whatever we do (men and women) when we feel hopeless and helpless.”

In an article in  Elephant blogs, Keith Artisan writes:

“Men don’t fall short in the emotional realm because we are emotionally immature. We are emotionally inexperienced. Men face expectations and pressure about emotions that are confusing and contradictory. And when we find a woman who loves us and we love in return, it brings to life a living fire that had been suppressed for a lifetime. Yet fires burn, and the burgeoning sensitivities is akin to a child learning to walk. We fall down, we make blunders, and we are blind as to how to listen and communicate our emotions.”

In the last few year I have more understanding and knowledgeable what it is to be an ’emotional man’, and what are the obstacles men are facing to explore there emotions.

In her work with men Ester Perel,  identifies the challenges of ‘What does it mean to be a man.

She talks about the dilemma and the dichotomy of the modern male; emotionally evolved and willing and able to care give, while also pulled toward gender norms that is ingrained in us all.

“The construction of gender identity for men is more fragile than for women. In many cultures, one is born a woman — and one becomes a man. Chip Brown explores wide-ranging rites of passage into manhood from around the world in this National Geographic article.”

During many years of observing men and women in my Couples Therapy practice I have learned so much about how being vulnerable in an ‘aphrodisiac’ for women. In my work with couples I have witnessed that women find men more attractive, and approachable, and are more likely to want to be intimate, when the men they are with, are showing their vulnerable side.

Contrary to the ‘myth’ that women like their men, strong, tough, distant and detached, I have seen so many times, that when men finally open up, and let their women ‘in’, by being vulnerable and talking about their fears, hurts, and needs, women feel more connected, safe, and wanting to be intimate. I find that to be true with gay men, in same sex couples, connecting through our vulnerability is what we do.

In my blog Intimacy = In To Me You See I wrote:

  “Intimacy is not sex, intimacy is the ability to allow someone in, to deeply trust that they are there for us, that it is safe to be open and naked and truthful. When we feel safe to let that person in, when we put down walls and guards of defense and protection, then bonding, weather through sex, cuddle, conversation or any other behavior can be so much more fulfilling..”

I have learned so much about the topic after sharing and facilitating my Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshops,  with Owen Marcus. 

This is from his website:

“And here’s the kicker: when you really step into living an as emotionally healthy man, women will actually appreciate you more and be more attracted to you. In spite of what they are told, women find that they would rather have a man who is emotional in a masculine way than some masculine version of themselves. There needs to be a distinct difference in how each sex is emotional so there is polarity and attraction.”

“Men are often stuck living in the duality of being macho OR sensitive. It doesn’t have to be either/or. You can have it both ways—you can have it all—by entering into the new place of relaxed power. We are no longer just hard-ass men; nor are we men trying to be emotionally real by modeling women. We are teaching each other that a man can be strong and open simultaneously. We are teaching each other how to succeed as Remarkable Men.”

Many of you have asked me about the Men Work Owen does.

Here is an opportunity for to find out for yourself, and to immerse in some deep men work.

Owen is offering his ‘Two Day Experience’, here in our town of Nevada City, CA.

Owen brings with him the width of decades of leading and facilitating men’s groups all over the country, helping men access their masculine emotional intelligence and vulnerability.

Owen’s TEDX talk: What 10,000 Years Of Progress Has Cost | Owen Marcus | 

Owen and his colleagues created Evrymen as a platform to help men connect and evolve in the company of their ‘tribe’. You can check out Evrymen page to learn more about his company.

In there mission they write:

“We created Evryman so we could impact generations of men, to help them become better men, better partners, and raise better sons and change the culture of what it means to be a man. We believe men can and should be living more purposeful, connected and fulfilling lives. Men should be in touch with everything they feel, what they want, and learn to fully experience and express their needs and desires in a supportive culture and community.”

If you have any questions, please contact Owen Marcus at: 208.265.8440 or owen@owenmarcus.com

For More information, here is the webpage: https://freetowin.co/ca

Do not miss this retreat opportunity. See you around town..

I hope you enjoy this last bits of spring and have a safe and beautiful summer.

Love,

Dalia

(530) 692 0680

How Do We Know If We Found The ‘One’..

Couples Therapy, Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT), Hold Me Tight® Workshops, Individual Therapy

I wanted to start this blog with a little apology, and a gratitude, to all of you, for your endurance and support.

Those of you who read my blog, or get my newsletter, may at times, need to endure my mass marketing and promotions, of my Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshop, and I bet it could be a bit of an annoyance.. I am grateful and truly appreciate your patience, your support, and the vote of confidence.

Thanks and gratitude for referring clients, friends, colleagues, and family to our workshops, and coming yourselves!!  Thanks to ALL OF YOU,  our workshops are Sold Out!! (every time).

I am always inspired, and fascinated, as I help couples navigate and figure out this landscape of relationship. Our workshop last week, May 5-6, here in Nevada City, was another amazing, heart opening, life changing weekend.

Here are few of the testimonials we got. It never ceases to amaze me how shift and change and breakthroughs happen in this magical weekend:

“I went to this Hold Me Tight EFT workshop this past weekend with Dalia Anderman and Owen Marcus and was blown away by the experience and the results.  I want to share the knowledge that something like this exists which I think every couple could benefit from!  I was recommended this by another friend who shared with me that every couple should do this workshop and it would prevent a lot of heartache and problems.”

“My relationship now is stronger than ever and I feel so filled up with love, hope, joy and gratefulness.  If you are motivated to work on your relationship I suggest trying to get in now as the next workshop is not until Fall 2018, only 12 couples can attend, and it sells out.    Thank you Dalia and Owen, I am eternally grateful.”

“My husband & I just returned from the HMT workshop. Dalia & Owen definitely have the incredible (secret) gift in strengthening relationships from all ages & stages. My husband & I grew more this weekend than we have in 20 years of marriage. It’s like couples therapy on steroids. My husband was able learn about & experience the life changing benefits of being vulnerable. We discovered what negative pattern(s) we get into that keep us disconnected & trigger our “issues” rather than help move us towards growth, healing & connection. They make it easy to find & understand our “raw spots” without shame or judgement. Thank you Dalia & Owen for your labor of love & dedication to this important life changing work!”

 “Dalia and Owen are miracle workers. They know how to drop into the deepest places with us, while keeping us feeling safe and secure to do so. Something that can be very hard to do on our own. They helped us realize that the difficult dynamics we have is common, and that by turning into the hard stuff, shedding our fears of opening up, we can overcome any conflict through an emotional connection that supersede  the issues at hand.”

Our next  Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshop, is October 13-14, 2018.

************************************************************************************************

There is one question that keeps showing up for all of us. It sure has been on my mind, and in my heart, ever since my first ‘falling in loves’ when I was a teenager, and throughout my adult life… ‘ARE YOU THE ONE’?  ‘How would I know that you are the one’.

In my psychotherapy practice, I hold space for exploring this question, as my clients, young and not so young, fall in love, fall out of love, come together, break apart, and come together again, and again.  As we unpack those heart aches, and as we explore the difficulties of relationships, we keep inquiring, ‘Are you the ONE’… We wonder about soul-mates and serendipity, and fate, we make lists of what we wish for, we cross off lists, and we keep wondering, ‘are you the one?’..

I found a great article in a blog in the sex lubricant Astroglide online magazine:

15 Soulmate Signs: How to Know When You’ve Met the One

“When you’re young, it’s easy to believe that life will be like a Disney movie: you’ll meet your soulmate, fall in love at first sight, and — after 40 or so minutes of mild conflict and maybe a few talking animals — you’ll live happily ever after. Yet many of us find ourselves giving up hope when our “happily ever after” doesn’t appear on schedule. And in a dating world where Tinder is king, finding a true soulmate can start to feel like nothing more than a fairy tale.”

The article mentions questions to explore and ask yourself when you meet a new love.  Do you have shared and common interests and compatibility? Do you have a friendship? Do you share respect?  Do you understanding each other emotional languages? Great questions to ponder.

Relationship advise expert columnist April Masini, write about good indicators for the ‘right one’:

‘You want to live your day to day lives similarly’;  ‘You like to socialize the same ways’;  ‘You’re financially compatible’;  ‘Your friends and family approve’;  ‘You’re both where you want to be in your careers’…

(Taken from: the insider article: 11 surefire signs that you’ve found ‘the one’)

In an article ‘How do you know you found the one‘,  in MindBodyGreen Margaret Paul PhD, writes:

“In order to move ahead with a relationship, you need to make sure that you accept them exactly as they are—exactly as they are. You need to be able to fully love the lovable aspects of them and fully accept the wounded aspects of them—the aspects you don’t like. If you can’t tolerate and fully accept the aspects of your partner that you don’t find lovable—such as drinking, smoking, eating habits, anger or withdrawal, workaholism, unreliability, messiness, lateness, porn addiction, sexual demands, sexual disinterest, hygiene, anger, rage, people-pleasing, resistance, selfishness, moodiness, emotional unavailability, neediness, criticalness and so on—then this person is not the right partner for you.”

Dating sites can be alluring too, but also confusing. They promise that they can help you find your match.

They have algorithms and equations and good questions, and they have ‘trade secrets’, to help you navigate through the thousands of ‘ones’, that are there, for the same reason.

I have to admit that dating on line is hard, intimidating and hard work, full with vulnerability, disappointments, and heart aches. But it also has the great advantage of being able to read people profiles and stories and sort out through pics, interests, likes and dislikes, compatibility, distance, age, vision, and so on.

But will that be the determining factors? what about that mystical illusive factor we call LOVE, chemistry, and that ‘one secret ingredient’, that ignite the heart with fire, that sends us questioning, yet again, ‘are you the one’?

In my work and studies I have done with Sue Johnson’s Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT) ,I have come to understand relationships in a new way. In her work and research Sue Johnson has discovered a new meaning to love. It is about feeling securely attached and connected, and perhaps, we can never feel we found the ONE, if we are experiencing the trauma of disconnection.

The focus of Emotional Focused therapy (EFT), is to help partners understand more clearly each other’s deepest traumas and emotions. Feelings are often hidden, unexpressed or misunderstood. Our relationships can be a cause of stress and pain or a source of comfort and joy. In EFT, we help couples learn how to deal with their feelings together, reach towards each other, and be responsive in more loving and positive ways.

In recent years I came across the work of Brené Brown, who teach us about vulnerability and how essential it is to love, relationship and connection.

In my blog about vulnerability, I wrote how we fear that if we show our vulnerability, share our deep real  emotions, and talk about our hurts and needs, we will be looked at as weak, we will be dismissed or ridiculed, or worst of all, we will be abandoned and rejected by the person we turned to. On the contrary, the connection that comes once we are willing to be seen by our partners, creates a powerful lasting connection.

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.”

“Through my research, I found that vulnerability is the glue that holds relationships together. It’s the magic sauce.” ~ Brené Brown

As a therapist and couples counselor over many years, I wonder at times, is finding the ONE, may be a myth? Having been in many relationship myself, long and short term, at various points in my life, I have learned lessons and got to know myself through them. I have tried to explore that longing to be known by that ONE special person.

Maybe we need to find the courage to love in ourselves. As Rumi tells us:

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”― Rumi

Or is it more about accepting the relationship we have, not trying and hoping to change our partners, but learning how to love them.  Maybe it is not so much about wondering if ‘you are the one‘, but perhaps diving deeper into the unexplored possibility of our connection.

As we all navigate this mysterious and wonder-full labyrinth of relationship, take care of your self and of each other. We are all in this together,

Love,

Happy New Year from Dalia Anderman, MFT

Dalia

(530) 692 0680

Is One of Your New-Year’s Resolutions – A Fulfilling Relationship?

Couples Therapy, Hold Me Tight® Workshops

Happy New-Year to all of us!  May 2018 bring satisfying and fulfilling Love!!

Its the New Year. We hopefully wake up on the morning of January 1, 2018, with feelings that here is a New-Year, and with the desire and belief that maybe, this time, we can somehow ‘turn our life around’…

Whether it is a resolution or hope, some of us, as the clock strike midnight, and the champagne corks pop.. have a deep sensation of excitement, hope, and desire for change for the upcoming year.  For all of us who are braving resolutions and hopes and commitments for the New Year, I offer you courage and persistent.

Yes, the year 2017  is over, and the calendars of 2018 are now hanging in our homes and on our office walls. (well, my kids tell me that we no longer use wall hanging calendars, as it is all on their screens, but I do, and so are many of my contemporaries). Time to get the New Year started.

2017 was a long and challenging year and lots happened. On the personal front it has been deepening and digging deep into relationships, dealing with breakups and breakthroughs, celebrating my girls graduations, and getting back into my own therapy, working through some old unfinished stuff, (‘no inner-child left behind‘)… and some new challenges that have arisen. There were also some health issues and some great adventures in traveling and exploring new lands.

On the professional front, it has been a year of growth and development, getting more traction, and feeling the confident of a thriving private practice.  My workshops has taken off too, and we are now offering our Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshop every quarter.

This year I have been inspired by national and international movements for change. From the women marches all over the world in January, to the #metoo campaign, to ‘black lives matter’, witnessing people standing up for their beliefs in community, equality, change, and a better future.  While this country has been divided by so much polarization, movements to unite and bridge gaps have been rising.

This year I have been most inspired by writer, researcher, and visionary; Brené Brown.  “It’s been a year of hurricanes, fires, violence, racism, sexism, terrorism, and something new to fear almost every day. AND, at the exact same time, beautiful babies were born, we fell in love, we created amazing new things, we helped each other, we laughed, and we recommitted to making this world a braver and more loving place.” Brené Brown.

In her new book,  Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone, Brené Brown writes:  “Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don’t belong. You will always find it because you’ve made that your mission. Stop scouring people’s faces for evidence that you’re not enough. You will always find it because you’ve made that your goal. True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don’t negotiate their value with the world. The truth about who we are lives in our hearts. Our call to courage is to protect our wild heart against constant evaluation, especially our own. No one belongs here more than you.”

This year I had the privilege to attend Rising Strong™ Workshop that is based on the latest groundbreaking research of Dr. Brené Brown and led by Michelle Gannon, PhD and Beth Jaeger-Skigen, LCSW. It was inspiring getting in touch with my own vulnerability, and exploring my barriers to vulnerability and to ‘WholeHearted living‘. One of my important take-home from this training was being aware of how I show up in relationships. What are the barrier I put up? Do I show up, fully and  authentically, and am I allowing my self to be transparent.
What are the traits and guideposts that I want to cultivate, on this moment of the New Year, and for always.

The wish and desire to cultivate a deep, significant, meaningful, erotic, fulfilling, romantic… relationship, is part of us being alive.

Whether you are hoping to attract new LOVE, or repair and enhance the one you have, my New Year wish for you, is to not give up, and to stay vulnerable on your journey. It is not easy to continue to be honest, authentic, transparent, and open to the wish we have in our lives. So many times I found myself reverting to my old ‘coping skills’, of ‘what I can not have – I do not want..’

Keeping your love alive, your communication with your partner intimate and transparent, and your sex life juicy and vibrant, can be challenging.

For those of you who have made a New Year resolution for a better relationship, we are offering our next , Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshop on Saturday and Sunday, January 27-28, in Nevada City CA. SPACE IS LIMITED. SO SIGN UP ASAP.

Dr. Sue Johnson developed the Hold Me Tight program based on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and her bestselling book, Hold Me Tight, Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.

At our Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshop, in a safe, intimate, private setting, we hold space for couples to become vulnerable and open to explore, experience, touch and talk through issues that have been untouched. It is time set aside to have these conversations that have been waiting for a long time to happen.

“Hold Me Tight®” is a registered trademark to Dr. Sue Johnson, founder and originator of Emotionally Focused Therapy.(EFT).

The focus of EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy), is to help partners understand more clearly each other’s deepest emotions. Feelings are often hidden, unexpressed or misunderstood. Our relationships can be a cause of stress and pain or a source of comfort and joy. In EFT, we help couples learn how to deal with their feelings together, reach towards each other, and be responsive in more loving and positive ways.

Are you longing for Love, Connection, Intimacy, and Vulnerability with your partner, but instead you:

• have recurring fights that go round and round without resolution?
• lack affection, intimacy, closeness, or sex?
• feel alone, lonely, betrayed, abandoned?

Do you want to:

  • feel more closeness, connection, and engagement with your partner?
  • have good fulfilling communication?
  • learn how to reach for your partner at times of need?
  • renew your commitment for intimacy and sexual connection?
  • learn how to ‘dance t the end of love’?

At our Hold Me Tight® Couples Relationship Workshop, you will learn and experience how to:

• Affirm strengths in your relationship by developing understanding, communication, and bonding.
• Address negative cycle patterns, and learn why they show up, and how to get out of them.
• Learn how to repair and forgive injuries, and become vulnerable with each other.
• Enhance your emotional, physical, and sexual closeness, and INTIMACY.

The focus of EFT is to help partners to understand more clearly each other’s deepest emotions. Feelings are often hidden, unexpressed or misunderstood. Our relationships can be a cause of stress and pain or a source of comfort and joy.  We help couples learn how to deal with their feelings together, reach towards each other, and be Accessible, Responsive, and Engaged.. in more loving and positive ways.

This is a great opportunity to have a deeper and vulnerable look at your relationship, develop new skills to recognize the cycle and patterns that inflict the relationship and keep you separated and apart, and It is also a beautiful time to connect and highlight the strengths of your relationship, and built on the positive that already exist.

Though I lead this workshop regularly, it’s always a renewed, compelling experience for me to facilitate, witness, and hold space for the vulnerable reaching that occurs between partners during the workshop. Hold Me Tight Workshop

Owen Marcus, MA, author, workshop facilitator and TEDxTalk presenter on Masculine Emotional Intelligence, will once again be assisting me in the workshop. Owen brings with him decades of experience leading and facilitating men’s group all over the country in helping men access their masculine vulnerability.  Owen’s presence and his work with couples and men will enhance this upcoming Hold Me Tight workshop by offering his depth, support and perspective to the couples in our workshop.

Here are the links to Owen’s work:
http://owenmarcus.com
Owen’s TEDX talk: What 10,000 Years Of Progress Has Cost.

https://i0.wp.com/blog.daliaanderman.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/Hold-Me-Tight-Workshop-by-Dalia-Anderman-MFT.jpeg

As I keep the groups small and intimate, if you know you want to sign up, I will encourage you to do so shortly, as all our workshop in the last few years have been Sold-Out!

This is a great opportunity to have a deeper and vulnerable look at your relationship, to understand the dance of your own relationships, and develop new skills to recognize the cycle and patterns that inflict the relationship and keep you separated and apart.

It is also a beautiful time to connect and highlight the strengths of your relationship, and build on the positives that already exist.

Please do not hesitate to Contact me with any questions or for more information.

Wishing all of you a most Happy, Fulfilling, Exciting, Brave, and Courageous, NEW YEAR.

Happy New Year 2017

With Warm Regards and Love

Dalia

(530) 692 0680

https://www.facebook.com/DaliaAndermanMFT

dalia@daliaanderman.com

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