hold me tight workshops

I Don’t Want To Talk About It…

Couples Therapy, Hold Me Tight® Workshops, Individual Therapy

Recently in a therapy session, I started talking to a client about some depression and anxiety he or she was experiencing. When I started asking about some of his/her background, history, parents, childhood, the push-back I got was ‘I don’t want to talk about it’, ‘it all happened so long ago’, ‘I don’t know what the point is, I’m a survivor and I left it all behind’…

I want YOU to thrive and not just survive I tell my clients. I invited my client to consider another way to look at it.

Painfully familiar, that push-back against a painful shadow, I went back to my own experiences with therapy, avoiding talking about my traumatic past. ‘What’s the use’, I used to argue with my therapists, ‘I am a survivor, I have buried it all, it’s gone…’

But, ‘feelings buried alive never die’, (a book by Karol K. Truman ‘Feelings Buried Alive Never Die’), and most of the time we suppress those memories and the emotions they bring up.

For many of us, setting the goals and intentions of not ‘becoming victims of our past’ and ‘being empowered by our present’, fail to recognize the pains and scars that follow us like shadows.

When we start to recognize our ‘wounded inner child’, we can begin to include him or her, in our experience, and learn to comfort, care, and reassure those wounded parts of us.

Yes, childhood traumas may be decades behind us, and though many of us have survived well, having families, careers, communities, exploring, achieving, and becoming movers and shakers.. still those past wounds will continue to surface.

Recently, I was lucky enough, to come across, and resumed therapy, with a gifted therapist and life coach: Allan Hardman. I went to Chacala, Mexico, where Allan resides in the winter, to study and go deeper on my own journey, finally willing to talk about what I was skillfully avoiding for decades.

“All relationships are based on agreements. The largest percentage of those agreements are usually unconscious and unspoken. In order to create relationships that serve the highest good of individuals and society, I suggest that we must create new agreements that are conscious, spoken, and based on integrity and self love.” ~ Allan Hardman.

It has been a fascinating journey, and a new brave look at myself, my relationships, and the immense force of my old wounds, that my ‘inner children’ did not want to talk about, as they were busy protecting, strategizing, and organizing my life around.

“These five new agreements can break many of the old beliefs and agreements that limit how you love”.

Allan Hardman is an author and expert on personal and spiritual transformation, relationships, emotional healing– and a Toltec Master in the lineage of Don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements.™

Allan teaches in Sonoma County, CA, and from “The House of the Eagles,” his winter home in Chacala, Nayarít. He is the author of The Everything Toltec Wisdom Book, and co-author of two books with Deepak Chopra, Caroline Myss, Dr. Andrew Weil, Prince Charles, and others. Allan’s extensive website is at www.joydancer.com.

I’m so grateful to Allan for sharing his knowledge and for this amazing unique opportunity to study and expand my own understanding about love and relationships.

New Agreement #5:

“True happiness is the result of love coming out of you.
Knowing that your nature is Love itself, you discover a happiness that cannot be taken away from you. You are not concerned with how your love is received, because it is your loving, as an expression of your Divine nature, that fills you. Your only desire is to love all of Creation, to see its perfection, and to know and love yourself as a reflection of that perfection. You New Relationship is based on this love. You are free to love without conditions or expectations. You are free.”

My own journey of healing has been deep and painful, but I know there’s a light at the end of the dark tunnel. I know that I need to do this work. (And I for sure live by: ‘physician heal thy self’ .. and NOT ‘do as I say, not as I do…’)

To my client I reassure, ‘I know what you mean’. I don’t push or mandate opening all those wounds.

At times, caught in PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), we may need to wait for the right time to be ready to work through, and own those wounds. The problem can be, that at times, those ‘old wounds’ may shows up as anxiety or depression, and acting out in our relationships. It may masquerade as numbness and boredom, or even over-achieving and success driven, but they do not ‘just go away’, and may continue to affect and hijack our relationships and connections.

For myself I wish I didn’t wait so many decades, but, the time had to be right.

One important part of the work I do with couples, is to help partners start to recognize how some of those old wounds may hijack the relationship at unexpected or predicted time.

Those attachment injuries and ‘raw spots’, can show up in our current relationships as panic, anxiety, anger, rage, or withdrawing.

Thanks to the research and work of Dr. Sue Johnson, we can now recognize how attachment injuries such as abandonment, rejection, betrayal, and not being good enough, can show up over and over and ‘take us out’ and ‘break us down’, in our romantic pair bond relationship.

In my psychotherapy practice, and in our Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshops, we create a SAFE SPACE, where I can help couples unpack and unfolds some of those old traumas, helping them to SHARE (at times for the first time) those emotions, needs, fears, and longings, with their partner.

Dr. Sue Johnson developed the “Hold Me Tight®” program based on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and her bestselling book, Hold Me Tight, Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.

At our Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshop, in a safe, intimate, private setting, we hold space for couples to become vulnerable and open to explore, experience, touch and talk through issues that have been untouched. It is time set aside to have these conversations that have been waiting for a long time to happen.

“Hold Me Tight®” is a registered trademark to Dr. Sue Johnson, founder and originator of Emotionally Focused Therapy.(EFT).

The focus of EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy), is to help partners understand more clearly each other’s deepest emotions. Feelings are often hidden, unexpressed or misunderstood. Our relationships can be a cause of stress and pain or a source of comfort and joy. In EFT, we help couples learn how to deal with their feelings together, reach towards each other, and be responsive in more loving and positive ways.

At our Hold Me Tight® Couples Relationship Workshop, you will learn and experience how to:

• Affirm strengths in your relationship by developing understanding, communication, and bonding.
• Address negative cycle patterns, and learn why they show up, and how to get out of them.
• Learn how to repair and forgive injuries, and become vulnerable with each other.
• Enhance your emotional, physical, and sexual closeness, and INTIMACY.

It is my delight to invite Owen Marcus to assist me in the upcoming workshop. It is not easy for guys to come to couples workshops. It is intimidating and uncomfortable. Owen has been leading men retreats and helping men to access the longing they have to connect.

Owen Marcus, MA, author, workshop facilitator and TEDxTalk presenter on Masculine Emotional Intelligence, will once again be assisting me in the workshop. Owen brings with him decades of experience leading and facilitating men’s group all over the country in helping men access their masculine vulnerability. Owen’s presence and his work with couples and men will enhance this upcoming Hold Me Tight workshop by offering his depth, support and perspective to the couples in our workshop.

Here are the links to Owen’s work: http://owenmarcus.com

Owen’s TEDX talk: What 10,000 Years Of Progress Has Cost.

Do not miss this great opportunity to explore your relationship.

It is time to invest in your relationship!

You can have the relationship you always dreamed of, by going deeper and becoming vulnerable with your partner, achieving new levels of communication and intimacy.

It will also be a beautiful time to connect with your partner and highlight the strengths you have in your relationship.

As I keep the groups small and intimate, if you know you want to sign up, I will encourage you to do so shortly, as all our workshop in the last few years have been Sold-Out!

Please do not hesitate to Contact me with any questions or for more information.

With Warm Regards and Love,

Dalia

(530) 692 0680

https://www.facebook.com/DaliaAndermanMFT

dalia@daliaanderman.com

Workshops

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It is Spring Time… and Sex is in the air

Couples Therapy, Hold Me Tight® Workshops, Individual Therapy

“Come to the orchard in Spring.
There is light and wine, and sweethearts
in the pomegranate flowers.

Rumi

If you are like me, as soon as that spring energy starts to buzz in the air.. there is that sense of renewal and aliveness, and with it, renewed energy for intimacy and sexuality. It is like the whole world is awakened from a long winter hibernation, and everything and everybody around us is ‘doing it’…

Yes. Spring is here, no question.. the flowers are bursting with colors, the poppies are flaming the hillside, the bees and hummingbirds and all kind of bugs, are humming in frenzy, the sacred Yuba River is flowing with thunder of abundance with all that water. Nature is alive. And so are we. As we awake from our long winter dormancy, we humans, also start buzzing with that powerful force of nature’s sexual energy.

We humans respond to our DNA’s ancient call to find a mate, copulate, have sex, and reproduce; we uniquely also answer to our special human form of the call of ‘spring’; to partner, to pair-bond, to fall in love, to make love.

It’s the power of sex, love and connection. It is the origin of us. It is the force of nature working through our bodies, calling us to listen and to dial into its omnipotent potential. When we are connected to our partner in sex, we are open, naked, vulnerable, we let someone in, we allow the other to touch us, caress our naked body, penetrate us, become one with us. It is ultimately, a heightened, highly aware sense of pleasures. Many who talk about different forms of spiritual ecstasy, use similar language to our erotic sexual experiences.

In her article, Love’s Evolver, about Sex and spring, Maryanne Fisher PhD., writes,

“Many of us have heard the saying that, “In the spring a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love” from the famous poet, Alfred Lord Tennyson. And, just like trees coming alive or flowers waking from their winter dormancy, many of us probably notice that the people around us seem more interested in romance, flirt more, and are more prone to want to engage in sexual activity.”

woman in white crew t-shirt beside woman in black tank top lying on green grass

In another article, 13 Reasons Why Spring Sex Is So Hot -The best sex of your whole year begins now, By Kenny Thapoung and Casey Gueren “Spring is here, which means it’s time to pack up your puffer coats and throw on some lacy lingerie. And just in case your libido has been hibernating all winter, allow us to remind you what it’s been missing. Here are 13 reasons why spring sex is pretty fantastic.”

When I sit in my office with my clients, at our therapy sessions, weather it is a couple, or an individual, a teenager, or an 85 year-old, chances are, that no matter what the ‘presenting problem is’, at some point in the session and the conversation, the subject will be ‘SEX‘.

At times sex is ‘Sacred Energy eXchange‘, that potion of passion and desire, sweetness and calm; that magic that lift us up, BUT it can all too soon become it’s opposite; the source of pain, jealousy, despair, and hopelessness. How is it that sex can tap into our most sublime states, and at the same time also be the root of our pain and disappointment.

As Sue Johnson explains in Hol d Me Tight, ‘it is the person we love most in the world, the one who can send us soaring joyfully into space, is also the one person who can send us crashing back to the earth. All it takes is a certain look or a careless remark. There is no closeness without this sensitivity. If our connection with our mate is safe and strong, we can deal with these moment of sensitivity. Actually, we can use them to bring our partners even closer. But when we don’t feel safe and connected, these moments are like a spark in a tinder forest. They set fire to the whole relationship’.

And for those of you who spring also bring the wish for a renewal of your relationship, we are offering our next Hold Me Tight workshop, Saturday and Sunday, June 24-25, 2017, in Nevada City CA.

Though I lead this workshop regularly, it’s always a renewed, compelling experience for me to facilitate, witness, and hold space for the vulnerable reaching that occurs between partners during the workshop. At our Hold Me Tight couples workshop, in a safe, intimate, private setting, we hold space for couples to become vulnerable and open to explore, experience, touch and talk through issues that have been untouched. It is time set aside to have these conversations that have been waiting for a long time to happen. silhouette of hugging couple

At our Hold Me Tight relationship enhancement Workshop you will learn and experience how to:

• affirm strengths in your relationship by developing understanding and bonding
• address negative cycle patterns, and learn why they show up, and how to get out of them
• learn how to repair and forgive injuries, and become vulnerable with each other
• enhance your emotional, physical, and sexual closeness and INTIMACY

Here are the links to Owen’s work:
http://owenmarcus.com
Owen’s TEDX talk: What 10,000 Years Of Progress Has Cost.

Please sign up and register a.s.a.p… our Hold Me Tight workshops are Sold-Out weeks in advance !!!

Blessings for the upcoming spring…

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
~ Anaïs Nin

with warm regards,

~ Dalia

(530) 692 0680
dalia@daliaanderman.com
http://daliaanderman.com/workshops
https://www.facebook.com/DaliaAndermanMFT

Claim Your JOY this Holiday Season

Couples Therapy, Hold Me Tight® Workshops, Individual Therapy

Yes, it is this time of year. Holidays cheers everywhere, Santa’s bell are ringing, anticipation is in the air. But with those excitements of the holidays, comes some ‘un-invited guests, STRESS. We feel that we need to get things done, presents lists checked off, chores completed. We are invited to many Holidays get- together, office parties, family events, friends celebrations, and though it is delight-full to enjoy all these events, it is often mixed with stress of time, financial strains, or even loneliness.

For many of us, holidays are a time of painful memories, ‘first holiday with out mom’, first Xmas tree decorated alone, first holiday with only one parent… At times we can be lonely even where we are not alone, feeling that all around us are cheerful and content, ‘why can’t I feel joy’?

Holidays celebrations bring people together; families, tribes, communities and friends. We travel long distances to connect with loved ones during the Holidays. We naturally turn to each other, to our people, to get comfort, joy, and connection, because we know that being in touch with those we love is reassuring and joyful.

During this time of year, many people come down with the S.A.D syndrome. As the beauty of Fall gives way to the dark of Winter, as the days get shorter and the temperatures drop, when this seasonal change begins, it comes with a sense of foreboding. For some it could be as serious as S.A.D (seasonal affect disorder)— for others, it is just the natural hibernation of winter, or the stress of the holidays.

Few months present the multicultural celebrations that December does! Whether you celebrate Christmas, St Nicholas Day, Kwanzaa, Yule, Hanukkah, Solstice, Diwali, Kwanzaa, St. Lucia, Eid al-Fitr, Boxing Day, Saturnalia, Three Kings Day… or any other holiday this month, chances are that it is celebrated with LIGHTS, music, food and family.

It is good to teach our children people’s traditions. It is important for them and us, to cherish our own holidays ritual while learning to be tolerant and respectful of others. In this excellent writing, all the different traditions are being explored and explained.

The Winter Solstice occurs on either December 20, 21, 22, or 23 in the Northern Hemisphere, where it is the shortest day of the year. People all over the world participate with festivals and celebrations. Long ago, people celebrated by lighting bonfires and candles to coax back the sun. At times of darkness and cold weather, we try to bring in lights and warmth.

Winter Holidays traditions around the world include colorful lights, sitting around the fire, singing hymns and carols, decorations, music, special foods and feasts. Here in the US, our celebrations include giving gifts, parties, and family get-together, which can be wonderful and yet can also be stressful.

Families can be a source of strength, connection, love, and caring. It can also be a reminder of violence, neglect, abuse, and disconnection. Around the Holidays, many people experience some kind of P.T.S.D (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome), with reminders and flash backs, of times in their past where the Holidays were a time of dread, addictions, and dysfunctions.

It is important to help those in need around the holidays. Most of your local charities organizations and groceries store offer gift and food donation places. Though hunger and poverty are not reserved for the holidays, it is a time of giving and sharing, so please stop and remember those who are more misfortune than us.

Here are some tips to watch for, prevent, and cope with, holiday stress:

1. Be realistic. Holidays don’t have to be PERFECT or ‘just like last year’.. Allow for change and flexibility. As families change and grow, traditions and rituals often change as well.

2. Stick to a BUDGET. Before you go gift and food shopping, decide how much money you can afford to spend. Then stick to your budget. Often we feel the need to spend money to show our love. But many times presence comes before presents. And baking cookies or fudge can be economical yummy and fun!!

3. Plan ahead. Set aside specific days for shopping, baking, visiting friends and other activities. Plan your menus, make your shopping list, know how much time it takes to accomplish what you hope for, and take into account that everything takes longer during the holidays, including traffic!

4. Acknowledge your feelings. If you or someone you close to, has recently experienced a loss, or can’t be with loved ones, realize that it’s normal to feel sadness and grief. It’s OK to take time to cry or express your feelings. Be honest. Express your needs. Reach out. If you feel lonely or isolated, seek out community, religious or other social events. They can offer support and companionship.

5. Learn to say no. Saying yes when you should say no can leave you feeling resentful and overwhelmed. Friends and colleagues will understand if you can’t participate in every project or activity. So often we overextend ourselves only to feel spent exhausted and depleted. Set clear boundaries even with family and friends.

6. Make sure to take some time for yourself. Spending just 15 minutes alone, without distractions, may refresh you enough to handle everything you need to do. Don’t neglect your daily practice of exercising, yoga, or meditation.

7. Take time to do NOTHING AT ALL!!!

8. Don’t forget to have FUN and JOY.

One way to ward of holiday stress is to Give your self and your loved one, the GIFT OF CONNECTION!!

I’m delighted to be offering my next Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop in Nevada City CA on January 28-29th, 2017.

Owen Marcus, MA, author, workshop facilitator, and TEDxTalk presenter on Masculine Emotional Intelligence, will once again be assisting me.

Owen brings with him the width of decades of leading and facilitating men’s group all over the country, helping men access their masculine vulnerability. Owen’s presence, and his work with couples and men, will enhance this upcoming Hold Me Tight Workshop, by offering his depth, support, and perspective to the couples in our workshop.

Here are the links to Owen’s work: http://owenmarcus.com
Owen’s TEDX talk: What 10,000 Years Of Progress Has Cost | Owen Marcus | TEDxSpokane

At our Hold Me Tight relationship enhancement Workshop – participants will learn and experience how to:

• Affirm strengths in your relationship by developing understanding and bonding.
• Address negative cycle patterns, and learn why they show up, and how to get out of them.
• Learn how to repair and forgive injuries, and become vulnerable with each other.
• Enhance your emotional, physical, and sexual closeness and INTIMACY.

As I keep the groups small and intimate, if you know you want to sign up, I will encourage you to do so shortly, as they do tend to fill up.

This is a great opportunity to have a deeper and vulnerable look at your relationship, develop new skills to recognize the cycle and patterns that inflict the relationship and keep you separated and apart.

It is also a beautiful time to connect and highlight the strengths of your relationship, and build on the positives that already exist.

Please do not hesitate to Contact me with any questions or for more information. Looking forward to sharing the workshop with you and I hope you are enjoying this beautiful Autumn season.

Warm regards,

~ Dalia

(530) 692 0680
dalia@daliaanderman.com
http://daliaanderman.com/workshops

Loneliness: The Silent Epidemic

Couples Therapy, Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT), Hold Me Tight® Workshops, Individual Therapy

“We are all so much together, but we are all dying of loneliness.” —Albert Schweitzer

In an era where so much connection is possible and the world is at our fingertips, where we have virtual reality connections via Skype or face-time or emails or tweets or texts, where all day long we hear pings and notifications and alerts that someone is ‘connecting with us’, research says that we are more lonely than ever.

Alan is a successful attorney. His work schedule and social calendars are full, yet, deep down he feels lonely and disconnected, and he feels that there is no one for him to turn to and share this deep sadness.

Rachel is a teacher, working around the clock with kids and colleagues. Yet, when she gets home in the evening she feels loneliness. Having moved for her job to a new town recently, she has been unable to form intimate connections that will take away that dreadful dark feeling. Alan and Rachel are more common then we believe. In my practice I work with adults, seniors, teens, couples, and singles. I see loneliness across the spectrum, and, I know that outside of my office, they do not talk about it.

Robert Waldinger, a Harvard psychiatrist, took over the more than 75-year-long Grant Study in 2003, becoming the fourth person to run it. He recently gave a TedTalk on it that has been viewed more than 6.5 million times since November 2015. Waldinger said in his TedTalk:

“People who are more isolated than they want to be from others find that they are less happy, their health declines earlier in midlife, their brain functioning declines sooner and they live shorter lives than people who are not lonely, good, close relationships seem to buffer us from some of the slings and arrows of getting old.”

Waldinger wants people to realize that the commercial projection of a good life – wealth, fame, career success – won’t bring them health or happiness. It’s the work they put into maintaining connections with other human beings that will.

He adds, “quality and intimacy, as well as stability and consistency also matter. Casual relationships, like the ones forged on social media won’t do; neither will contentious ones like an abusive marriage or an unreliable friend.”

“Keep in mind that to avoid loneliness, many people need both a social circle and an intimate attachment. Having just one of two may still leave you feeling lonely.” —Gretchen Rubin

In a recent article in Psychology Today, the author tries to help us understand loneliness. “What makes us happiest in life? Some people may point to fabulous fame and fortune. Yet hands down, surveys show that friends and family are the real prize. Even though our need to connect is innate, some of us always go home alone. You could have people around you throughout the day or even be in a lifelong marriage, and still experience a deep, pervasive loneliness. Unsurprisingly, isolation can have a serious detrimental effect on one’s mental and physical health.”

“I am lonely, yet not everybody will do. I don’t know why, some people fill the gaps and others emphasize my loneliness.” —Anaïs Nin

It is important to understated that loneliness is not the same as being alone. A person will always have time when they choose to be alone. Rather, loneliness is the feeling of being alone and feeling sad about it. All of us feel lonely some of the time. It is only when we seem trapped in our loneliness that it becomes a real problem.

“What should young people do with their lives today? Many things, obviously. But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured.” —Kurt Vonnegut

For many, social media has provided a pseudo escape from that feeling. At any time we can reach out to that smart phone, tablet, iPhone, in our purse or pocket, and know we can reach out… We scroll mindlessly and aimlessly, only to find out all the things that we are missing… and of course, that will increase loneliness. It seems that the ‘whole world’ is connecting and connected and having fun… ‘except for us’… It is especially serious with teens, where that pressure can add layers of loneliness that leads to depression and anxiety.

person in gray long sleeve shirt holding persons hand

“Loneliness is never more cruel than when it is felt in close propinquity with someone who has ceased to communicate.” — Germaine Greer

As a couples and relationship psychotherapist, I so often encounter in my practice, that we can also be lonely when we are in a couple relationship. In fact as the quote above points out, it is even more poignant when I hear my clients say, “I am so lonely in this relationship.” I would say that loneliness is a silent epidemic in relationship as much as it is for individuals in our society.

As Dr. Sue Johnson points out: when we feel isolation and loneliness in our close and intimate relationships, we get scared. When we feel that primary panic and fear of the disconnect from loved ones, our primal need for secure connection becomes alarmed. We then start to act out, protest, and fight for the connection. Isolation and loneliness are danger cues for our primary survival. Our DNA is wired into that connection as a basic safety cue for survival.

At our Hold Me Tight relationship enhancement Workshop – participants will learn and experience how to:

I’m delighted to be offering my next Hold Me Tight couples workshop Saturday September 17 to Sunday September 18th 2016, with Owen Marcus, MA, author, workshop facilitator, and TEDxTalk presenter on Masculine Emotional Intelligence.

Owen brings with him the width of decades of leading and facilitating men’s group all over the country, helping men access their masculine vulnerability. Owen’s presence, and his work with couples and men, will enhance this upcoming Hold Me Tight workshop, by offering his depth, support, and perspective to the couples in our workshop.

Here are the links to Owen’s work: http://owenmarcus.com and Owen’s TEDX talk: What 10,000 Years Of Progress Has Cost | TEDxSpokane

man and woman sitting on cliff near body of water

SPACE IS LIMITED. SO SIGN UP ASAP.

As I keep the groups small and intimate, if you know you want to sign up, I will encourage you to do so shortly, as they do tend to fill up.

It is also a beautiful time to connect and highlight the strengths of your relationship, and build on the positives that already exist.

Please do not hesitate to Contact me with any questions or for more information. Looking forward to sharing the workshop with you and I hope you are enjoying this beautiful summer.

Warm regards,

Dalia

(530) 692 0680
dalia@daliaanderman.com
http://daliaanderman.com/workshops

RSVP on Facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/events/496868083845854/

Forgiveness – Is It Even Possible?

Couples Therapy, Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT), Hold Me Tight® Workshops, Individual Therapy

The Freedom in Forgiveness and the Power of Apology

“Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.” – Marianne Williamson

We will hurt the ones we love. Our loved ones will hurt us. It is how to deal with this that matters.

Entering into a process of forgiveness is a choice. If you chose to not forgive, and you close yourself in order to not risk ever being hurt again…You lessen your chances for closeness and connections with your partner. Can I trust you? Will you let me down again? If I forgive, does it signal that it was OK?

If I had to identify one of the most challenging tasks that the couples I work with in couples therapy face, it is forgiveness. When a couple decides to come into counseling, as a result of an injury around lost of trust that had occurred, it is the inability to forgive and move on, that is keeping them stuck.

Most often, it is a discovery of an affair, infidelity, addiction, or other break in the trust in the relationship that was discovered or disclosed. At times a couple would try to ‘organize life around it’, ‘move on’, decide it is not ‘such a big deal’, try to transcend or bury the injury under the rush of life. Inevitably though, it will surface, and like anything suppressed, it will become combustible. Forgiveness is a way out, but it is also very difficult.

In her ground breaking work with Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT), the leading model of couples therapy, Dr. Sue Johnson uses attachment theory to explain so many of the forces at play in relationships. She wrote the book Hold Me Tight – Seven Conversation for a lifelong Love .

In her book, Dr. Johnson, devotes a full conversation to forgiveness as it is one of the most difficult tasks to overcome in a relationship’s attachment injuries and breakups. Johnson writes, “The first goal for partners is forgiveness. Just as with love, forgiveness has only recently become a topic of study by social scientists… “Letting go of resentment and absolving a person’s bad conduct is the right and good thing to do. But this decision alone will not restore faith in the injuring person and the relationship. What partners need is a special type of healing conversation that fosters not just forgiveness, but [also] the willingness to trust again.”

In my therapy practice, and in our Hold Me Tight workshops, I have been trying to help couples restore faith in the possibility of forgiveness and the power of apology and to bring back hope into the relationship.

In all relationships we make mistakes. We hurt those we love. Ruptures and injuries happen in most relationships. Time does not always heal. If we do not choose to enter the process of forgiveness, we decrease the chances of closeness and connection with our loved ones.

Dr. Sue Johnson and other relationship experts such as Drs. John and Julie Gottman, Dr. Fred Luskin of the Stanford Forgiveness Project and many others emphasize the importance of repair and forgiveness in loving, close, healthy relationships.

My dear colleagues Michelle Gannon, PhD and Sam Jinich, PhD have created a training and a teaching based on the Emotional Focused Therapy and Hold Me Tight (HMT) Model for forgiving injuries and using the power of apology. I have personally gained much from their work as well, the benefit of which is passed on to my clients.

The challenge of forgiveness lies not just with romantic relationships but also with relationships with friends, parents, siblings, colleagues, nations, and others. When we get hurt, there is a call inside of us to be protected and to ‘never again‘.

Growing up in Israel, in the shadow of the holocaust, I have encountered many survivors’ stories and how hard it is to begin trusting again and opening your heart to the possibility of forgiveness and redemption.

Jack Kornfield has written and talked much about forgiveness. In his words, “forgiveness is not just about the other. It’s really for the beauty of your soul. It’s for your own capacity to fulfill your life… Forgiveness is, in particular, the capacity to let go, to release the suffering, the sorrows, the burdens of the pains and betrayals of the past, and instead to choose the mystery of love.”

Forgiveness expert Fred Luskin explains what it takes to give up a grudge. “The essence of forgiveness is being resilient when things don’t go the way you want—to be at peace with “no,” be at peace with what is, be at peace with the vulnerability inherent in human life. Then you have to move forward and live your life without prejudice.”

Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.

Experts who study or teach forgiveness make clear that when you forgive, you do not gloss over or deny the seriousness of an offense against you. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses. Though forgiveness can help repair a damaged relationship, it doesn’t obligate you to reconcile with the person who harmed you, or release them from legal accountability.

In our May blog I wrote about a special ritual we do at our Hold Me Tight workshops, to secure the relationship bond, by creating a ritual of commitment and appreciation.

In the Forgiveness conversation of our Hold Me Tight workshops, we again will try to bring on the power of forgiveness for healing and for redemption in the relationship. In order to facilitate the ritual of forgiveness and a powerful true apology in a hurting relationship; we engage throughout the workshop in creating a safe place for the hurting partner in the relationship to talk about their pain and experience and to be received and given the sense of empathy, validation, comfort and acceptance.

We have all had the experience of an apology looking like this:

I am sorry YOU feel that way…
Saying you are sorry does not matter, are you going to change?
Sorry is cheap….
Well maybe I did that, but….
Fine… I am sorry…
It’s always my fault…
I am sorry… OK?…
I’ve apologized so many times already, it does not even matter….
I’ll apologize… if you apologize..

Even with best intentions, we will fail to reach our partners, with even the most sincere thoughtful apology. What is needed at times, is a creation of a safe place and ritual. A conversation where vulnerability, safety, and accessibility are pivotal pillars to holds space for both partners, to be heard and to heal.

At our Hold Me Tight relationship enhancement Workshop – participants will learn and experience how to:

Please do not hesitate to call me with any questions or for more information. Looking forward to sharing the workshop with you and I hope you are enjoying this beautiful summer.

Warm regards,

Dalia

(530) 692 0680
dalia@daliaanderman.com
http://daliaanderman.com/workshops

RSVP on Facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/events/496868083845854/

You Are Here!! Now… Where Do You Want to Go?

Couples Therapy, Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT), Hold Me Tight® Workshops, Individual Therapy

How is it that traveling and psychotherapy are related?

‘Long time ago’ when we traveled we use to use maps.. Yes, those paper folded treasures, which you opened as you stepped out into the unknown city streets, looking for the nearest coffee shop or simply to know ‘where you are’.
Now there’s google maps, and citymapper apps on your smart phone, and so many other techie devices to help you find your way when you’re lost.
I personally still prefer those ‘real’ maps.. (and paper books too..) and then there are those signs on the street corners and boulevards that help you find your way when you are confused and tell you ‘you are here‘!
When I am in my therapy office (when I’m not traveling, that is..), I often try to help clients explore that same question of ‘where am I – where do I want to go — and how do I get there.’

At times, therapy is somewhat like creating a map that helps us find our way through mazes of confusion, navigating crossroads, grief, decisions, relationships, family, careers, anxieties, spiritual questions and so much more.

Having a map can be useful and important. It helps to know these three places on the map of our lives: Where am I? Where to I want to go? How do I get there?

It’s not always a simple inquiry, at times it will take a while to figure it out, but once we set on the journey, it all becomes clearer.

For me, being a therapist is like being a tour guide. I somehow can help with finding the way in these foreign landscapes and trails of psychological exploration and also can help my clients when they are lost. I do not have answers, I just hold space for the journey.

And just as I love exploring new countries, cities, and landscapes, I love sitting in my office with my clients, helping them explore their own landscapes and where they want to go. At times it’s all about seeing the same landscapes with new eyes.

It gets even more complex in my couples work, as the journey is somewhat more compounded and at times complicated and confusing. Not only do couples need to find a mutual journey, they also bring different maps, needs, wants, expectations, hurts and hopes into the landscape.

In her books, Hold Me Tight and Love Sense, Dr. Sue Johnson writes that now for the first time in the history of love, we have a map for love and for relationships. “Romantic love is not the least bit illogical or random. It is the continuation of an ordered and wise recipe for survival. We now have a map that can guide us in creating, healing and sustaining love. This is a consummate breakthrough.”

John Gottman, Ph.D., author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, writes about Hold Me Tight: “At last, a road map through Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy with its creator. Dr. Johnson’s superb science, humor, and clinical wisdom are finally accessible to all of us. I couldn’t pick a smarter, warmer, and more real guide for this journey.”

When we realize the patterns we created and the complexity of the negative cycles we get caught in, we can find where we are on the map of our relationship and then, with patience, love and therapy, find our way back to each other and to the relationship we once had.

In a recent testimonial from my last Hold Me Tight workshop, A&B say that after the workshop they started understanding their cycle of conflicts and disconnection. They were seeing their recovery time exponentially shorter. Rather then spend days in their ‘fight or flight’, or ‘freeze and flee’, they are able to recognize where they are and find their way back!

They have found the map that helped them find where they are and their way back together. They can identify when their relationship gets hijacked by the panic of disconnection and the protesting when they feel their partner moving away from them. They now possess the understanding of how their fears makes them get lost and how they can again find their way through. They can then communicate more clearly about their vulnerability and their needs.

One of the reasons I love traveling so much is that time stretches. It’s like being in a time machine, living as if time slows down. So much gets packed in a day. It feels like forever. It’s hard to believe it’s only been two weeks since I left town to go visit my daughter in London (with an added bonus of visiting friends in Paris).

I enjoyed spending precious time with my daughter and seeing old friends and also enjoyed that edge of my wanderlust, reminding me of how much I love to explore the world, being open and getting lost and found on the journey.

There’s vulnerability in travel: stepping out of our comfort zone into new language, new currency, new streets, landscapes and maps. Not knowing where you are or how to get to where you’re going can be scary at times.

“To my mind, the greatest reward and luxury of travel is to be able to experience everyday things as if for the first time, to be in a position in which almost nothing is so familiar it is taken for granted.” – Bill Bryson

Our Hold Me Tight workshop in October was an amazing experience. The testimonials were superb. I’m always honored to spend a weekend with couples committed to ‘figuring things out’, learning and tuning into each other, and finding their way back to communication, intimacy, and loving bonding.

There will another Hold Me Tight couples workshop coming up in Spring of 2016 in Nevada City, California. Contact me for more information.

New Agreement #5:

“Come to the orchard in Spring. There is light and wine, and sweethearts in the pomegranate flowers.

Rumi

“We are all so much together, but we are all dying of loneliness.” —Albert Schweitzer

The Freedom in Forgiveness and the Power of Apology

How is it that traveling and psychotherapy are related?

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“Come to the orchard in Spring.
There is light and wine, and sweethearts
in the pomegranate flowers.