Dalia Anderman, LMFT

Emotional Focus Therapy

loneliness

Keeping Resolutions in the New Year.

Couples Intensive, Couples Therapy, Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT), Hold Me Tight® Workshops, Individual Therapy

Dear Readers

This blog post started few month ago in November when I usually write my “how to survive the holidays” post. In these last few months, I have sat with many couples in therapy and talked about the coming holiday stress and about how to manage, cope, survive, and thrive in the holiday season. For many holidays can be a hard time.

Winter scene of falling snow, decorated Christmas trees and many footprints on a path around a condo building.

They can be a time of painful memories: Our first holiday without mom or dad, our first Christmas tree decorated alone, or even our first holiday season without our partner.

New couples may want or need to split their time between two families of origin. This can lead to driving, packing, making food, and wrapping presents in a stressful frenzy in an attempt to not hurt or disappoint anyone’s feelings.

While families can be a source of great strength, connection, love, and caring, they can also be a reminder of violence, neglect, abuse, and disconnection. Around the holidays, many people experience P. T. S. D. (posttraumatic stress disorder) with flashbacks of times in their past when the holidays were a time of dread, addiction, and dysfunction.

And with all of that, at times we can be lonely even when we are not alone, feeling that all those around us are cheerful and content while internally wondering, “Why can’t I feel joy?”

A group or tribe of people with their hands on the trunk of a tree symbolizing belonging.

In all of this, it is important to remember that modern society is having it’s own struggle with loneliness and disconnection. NPR’s All Things Considered quotes the US Attorney Generals new report, Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation, saying “In the last few decades, we’ve just lived through a dramatic pace of change. We move more, we change jobs more often, we are living with technology that has profoundly changed how we interact with each other and how we talk to each other.” They also note that, “…you can feel lonely even if you have a lot of people around you, because loneliness is about the quality of your connections.”

So, what can we take away from all of this? It is more important than ever to slow down and make time to connect both with ourselves and with those we love.

Humans have lived in tribes for thousands of years shaping our biology through the shared experience of communal belonging. Living today in tribes of two or even one, it’s important to think about neighbors or friends that may not have families or others with whom to share the holidays. We can all benefit from sharing the extra space at our table and building more feelings of community and belonging.

New Years

When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don’t adjust the goals, adjust the action steps.

Confucius

Another yearly blog I write during this season is about how to make and maintain New Year’s resolutions. If we engage with it, the beginning of a new year can be a time of reflection, commitment, setting intentions, and putting behind us what no longer belongs in our lives.

Sparklers with colored Christmas lights in the background at the time of New Years resolutions.

Not surprisingly, this time of year, I get a lot of inquiries about starting therapy. I try to clear my schedule toward the end of December so I can accommodate those New Year’s resolutions and new beginnings.

As we move into the new year putting our best foot forward with our new beginnings, changes, followups, resents, relationships and personal growth, it can be hard not to lose steam. Some people who struggle with drinking commit to a dry January but find it hard to maintain their wish to lead a healthier life. For others it might be to talk about the hard stuff in their relationship, or write a letter, or make a call they have been avoiding.

While January 1st is just another day on the calendar, it also represents an opportunity for change. And for me, as we move into the year and the newness fades, rituals like Jan 1st are one way to stay consistent. They mark time, create a rhythm, and help me stay focused.

We have our ordinary rituals of birthdays and anniversaries, but those only come once a year. Some couples I work with try to plan a date night every week so that they can continue to work on their relationship away from home, the kids, and chores.

Ritual can be something we learn to look forward to and committing to them can help us stay committed to our resolutions even when we get overwhelmed by the busyness of life, aren’t able to keep our promises, or struggle to see the incremental progress we are making over time. Jessie Harrold gives us some guidelines for creating rituals in their mindful.org article titled Why Rituals Matter (and How to Create Your Own).

Upcoming Couples Workshops

The wish and desire to cultivate a deep, significant, meaningful, erotic, fulfilling, romantic relationship, is part of us being alive. Keeping your love alive, your communication with your partner intimate and transparent, and your sex life juicy and vibrant can take work.

Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshop – Grass Valley, CA / Spring ’24

A couple playing on a log overlooking the ocean in Costa Rica.

Costa Rica Hold Me Tight® Couples Retreat – Rescheduled for Feb. 11-16, 2025
The Hold Me Tight® 6-day (5-nights) Couples Retreat at the Costa Rica Imiloa Institute offers a unique and intensive healing experience designed to move couples out of disconnection and into a place of love, understanding, and hope. It is also a time to celebrate your relationship and take time for play, joy, and intimacy.

Please do not hesitate to contact me privately by email with any questions.

Happy New Year!

In gratitude and love to all of you,
~Dalia

Happy New Years written in the sand of a beach.


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Hold Me Tight® is a registered trademark of Sue Johnson.

How to cope with Holiday Season 2021

Couples Therapy, Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT), Hold Me Tight® Workshops

Can we celebrate the holidays with out the stress?

A client this week was telling me how she is stressed about the upcoming holidays and how she misses last year’s holiday season. She described how in the midst of the pandemic, her family stayed home and it was intimate and private. There was nowhere to go, and no need to travel, or stress about running around to visiting family or friends, no shopping lists, food lists, or guest lists..

Yes. In a way, there is something to that sentiment. So many times during the holidays, we get so busy, frantic, and overwhelmed, with obligations, expectations, and lists.. that we forget to just enJOY.

Every year, around this time, I write my annual Holiday Stress Blog. But no matter how good I can write about it, research it, or help therapy clients learn how to cope with stress, when it comes to the holidays, we do stress.

I always adored the fall colors, admired the stores with all of the decorations and twinkling lights, was fascinated by the lore of Santa and his elfs. But mostly, I loved how families and friends got together and celebrated their holidays traditions. I then started creating my own family holiday traditions, and with the growing lists of guests, presents, meals and food to prepare, and with the sweet myths, memories, and shared experiences, also came the un-invited guest… S T R E S S!!!

2019 Holiday Stress Blog
Surviving Holiday Stress

In addition to the usual stresses, this 2021 Holiday Season brings it’s own set of stresses as well. With many of us vaccinated, and the pandemic seemly, more under control, we are starting to open up to travel and spending time indoors with family and friends.

But even as we start to feel safe and comfortable around our loved ones, new challenges emerge. Families may differ in how they related to the pandemic and how they choose to stay safe during the holidays. How do we navigate, communicate, and bridge these differences without one perspective being right and making the other wrong? Can we stay sensitive and caring in this traditional time of togetherness?

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. -Dalai Lama

It is important in these times to be sensitive, compassionate, and tender with friends, family members, and even ourselves, about our differences. Being able to navigate and accommodate can help us avoid the sense of isolation, aloneness, and loneliness that we have all experienced during the past few years.

>>> Listen to my interview about how to cope with holiday stress on the Women’s Show with Susan Schreiber on KVMR in 2019 .

Part of our holiday stress is the feeling that we ‘need and must’ get everything done. Presents lists checked off, chores completed, house ready, travel plans complete…

We are invited to many Holiday get- togethers, office parties, family events, friends celebrations, and though it is delight-full to enjoy all these events, it is often mixed with stress of time, financial strains, or even loneliness.

For many of us, holidays are a time of painful memories: First holiday with out mom. First Xmas tree decorated alone. First holiday with only one parent. And at times we can feel lonely even when we are not alone, feeling that all around us there are cheers and celebration and yet, “Why can’t I feel the joy?“

Families can be a source of strength, connection, love, and caring. They can also be a reminder of violence, neglect, abuse, and disconnection. Around the Holidays, many people experience some kind of P. T. S. D (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome), with reminders and flash backs of times in their past where the Holidays were a time of dread, addiction, or dysfunction.

The prolonged COVID-19 pandemic only heightens the effects of the holiday blues in people who already feel lonely and isolated, stressed, and depressed… People look at past holidays with nostalgia, as many had thought the pandemic would be over by now… [People are comparing last year’s holiday season and] reporting hopelessness and helplessness when reflecting on how they held hope that by the holidays, life would have returned to normal…

Psychology.org

A good article about Surviving the Holiday Blues on Psychology.org reminds us to check in with ourselves, know our triggers, set realistic expectations, and focus on what is positive in our lives.

Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshop

One way to start battling the holiday stress, especially this challenging year, is to give attention to your intimate relationship. When a couple is able to work through communications difficulties, they have a better chance at keeping stress levels lower.

We held our first in person Hold Me Tight® couples workshop, since the beginning or the pandemic this last weekend. I am so filled with gratitude to offer this amazing workshop again.

Thank you to all of you, who signed up yourselves with your partners, or referred clients, and friends, to our Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshop. Our next workshop will be here in beautiful Nevada City in Northern California on Saturday and Sunday, January 29-30, 2022.

I am excited to announce that Owen Marcus, MA, author, workshop facilitator, co-founder of EVRYMAN, and TEDxTalk presenter on Masculine Emotional Intelligence will once again be co-leading the workshop with me.

>>> Watch Owen’s TEDX talk: What 10,000 Years Of Progress Has Cost.

Owen brings with him decades of experience leading and facilitating men’s group all over the country, helping men access their masculine vulnerability. Owen has co-founded, and been intensely involved in EVRYMAN,  reaching men all over the world, helping them to access and connect with their deep emotions and vulnerability.

Flyer for a Hold Me Tight workshop on January 29 & 30, 2022.

Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshops are based on Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).  Once again, I feel immense gratitude to Dr. Sue Johnson who embarked on this journey of figuring out couples relationships, and broke the code of what it is to love, what are the obstacles to secure attachments, and how to form long lasting bonding connections with our loved ones.

At our Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshop, participants will learn how to:

  • Affirm strengths in the relationship by developing understanding, communication, and bonding.
  • Address negative cycle patterns, learn why they show up, and how to get out of them.
  • Learn how to repair and forgive injuries and become vulnerable with each other.
  • Enhance emotional, physical, and sexual closeness and intimacy.

>>> Read more about the workshops in this blog post.

Here’s what people are saying about our weekend workshops.

Transformative!!! For the first time in a long time, I have hope!!!
The Hold Me Tight weekend has been utterly transformative and groundbreaking for our relationship to drop into the deeper intimacy we have been longing for. Dalia and Owen hold an incredibly safe space, inviting and welcoming vulnerability and providing simple, accessible tools that unlock the gates to a thriving relationship. What a gift to give yourself and each other – Thank you for this life changing experience.

In two days the Hold Me Tight partner workshop helped improve our relationship in ways that had not worked before. We came to this workshop with a broken connection and ZERO hope for our future. We’re leaving it feeling a sense of hope and a fresh start. We picked up new tools and knowledge that will give our relationship a fighting chance. Most importantly, I’m learning this knowing my partner loves me.

To be honest, I was very skeptical that my partner and I could attempt vulnerability without falling off an emotional cliff. Though there were many tears shed, Dalia and Owen helped us get back on track and safely work through the fears and gain a renewed understanding of each other and our dance. I’m amazed how hopeful I feel after years of hopelessness. I’m forever grateful.

Space is limited. We keep our workshops small to ensure privacy, safety, and personal attention. We Welcome All Couples!!

For more information, and to register please visit: http://daliaanderman.com/workshops/

Wishing you all a safe, sane, joy-full holiday season.
Please Please take good care,

With love and gratitude,

Dalia


P: 530-692-0680
DIRECT EMAIL, or via
CONTACT FORM


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Hold Me Tight® is a registered trademark of Sue Johnson, founder and originator of Emotionally Focused Therapy.

Epidemic of Loneliness, Depression and Suicide

Couples Therapy, Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT), Hold Me Tight® Workshops, Individual Therapy

Are we Facing an epidemic of Loneliness, Depression, and Suicide?

Even though our awareness to the loneliness and suicide epidemic becomes more acute when celebrities like Kate Spade, and Anthony Bourdain, take their own lives, it has become an epidemic, that has inflicted our culture in such proportions, that some experts are calling it a health epidemic and crisis.

From a recent Forbes article:

“..with new data released in the U.K. and global efforts garnering traction in the most wide-ranging geographies in the world, it is time to take a step back and refocus on the global epidemic that is suicide. Especially among the world’s young people.”

Every day, as a psychotherapist, I face that issue with my clients. A pervasive feeling of loneliness, helplessness, and being left out. Loneliness is at an epidemic levels in the US and could rank alongside smoking and obesity as a major threat to public health. Of 20K adults surveyed, nearly 50% said they sometime or always felt, lonely, alone, or left out, and 43% said their relationships weren’t meaningful. The survey found that the worst affected were young American between 18 and 22. (from the Health & Science section of The Week).

In his editorial in The Week, William Falk writes:

“Every year, about 45,000 people commit suicide in the U.S. — twice as many as are killed in homicides. Each of these deaths has its own circumstances, but as Kirsten Powers says this week in USA Today, the steadily rising toll of despair tells us “something is wrong with our culture.” Family and community bonds are disintegrating; loneliness is rampant. At the heart of human experience is a paradox: We are each trapped inside the boundaries of our flesh, alone with our histories, our wounds, our brokenness. Yet our isolation is an illusion — a constriction of perception. All the great spiritual traditions teach the same truth: We are connected in a fundamental way to everyone and to everything”

The scope of this blog can not even begin to cover such a wide, serious, and deep topic of loneliness and suicide. As a child, suicide touched my life, I know that the trauma of someone close to you, choosing to end their life, resonate forever in our lives. Depression and loneliness that leads to suicide thoughts, can be so overwhelming that we may feel that there is no other where to go.

We live in a time when the stress levels are extremely high, the fast pace of our lives leaves us little time for self care, and combine with the sense of disconnection, division, polarity, and alienation, the margin from the edge is at times too narrow. And even though mental health is widely available, and more accessible and acceptable, yet, the sense of alone and loneliness is ever so acute. Asking for help may still seem impossible and unreachable. At times we feel there is no where to turn to.

But as William Falk said at the end of his editorial about Bourdain’s suicide:

“If this master storyteller left us a lesson, it is this: You are not truly alone. People care about you more than you realize. Please don’t leave us. Reach out.”

From my blog:  When living hurts – you do not need to do it alone ‘At times, we do not even know why we are feeling anxious, depressed, lonely, alone. It is just there, weighing heavy on our heart. We feel we just want the pain to stop. We want it to go away. We need HELP.’

When Living Hurts, you do not need to do it alone. Reaching out to a friend, someone in the family, a tribe or a community member, can help us carry the load of the grief, the loss, the sadness. Reaching out reminds us that we are not alone.  We need to master the courage to say ‘I need HELP’. 

At times of troubles we need to be able to turn to our loved ones. Loneliness can intensify helplessness and hopelessness feelings. We can not do life alone.

Loneliness: The Silent Epidemic by Dalia Anderman, MFT.

In my blog, Loneliness: The Silent Epidemic I wrote that It is important to understated that loneliness is not the same as being alone. A person will always have time when they choose to be alone. Rather, loneliness is the feeling of being alone and feeling sad, hopeless and helpless about it. All of us feel lonely some of the time. It is only when we seem trapped in our loneliness that it becomes a real problem.

“What should young people do with their lives today? Many things, obviously. But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured.” —Kurt Vonnegut

Also from my blog: ‘For many, social media has provided a pseudo escape from the feeling of loneliness. At any time we can reach out to that smart phone, tablet, iPhone, in our purse or pocket, and know we are not ‘alone’, but are we really connecting or are we such ‘scrolling’. wishing for something out there to make us feel good. We scroll mindlessly and aimlessly, only to find out all the things that we are missing… and of course, that will increase loneliness. It seems that the ‘whole world’ is connecting and connected and having fun… ‘except for us’… We feel left out.  It is especially serious with teens, where that pressure can add layers of loneliness that leads to depression and anxiety.’

We need to belong, that is one of our most basic needs. We use to exist in tribes, where we knew those around us, and we trusted them to have our back. Now we live in tribes of two, at best. Many or us live in tribes of one.

As Dr. Sue Johnson points out:

‘when we feel isolation and loneliness in our close and intimate relationships, we get scared. When we feel that primary panic and fear of the disconnect from loved ones, our primal need for secure connection becomes alarmed. We then start to act out, protest, and fight for the connection. Isolation and loneliness are danger cues for our primary survival. Our DNA is wired into that connection as a basic safety cue for survival’.

Our DNA codes loneliness and isolation as a threat to our survival.

As a couples therapist, I know that at times the most loneliness we can experience is in a pair bond, that is not working. Stuck in the lonely, cold, isolated, numb, place in a relationship, can be one of the toughest moments couples encounter on a regular basis. There is ‘my person’ ,and I can not reach them…we both feel alone and afraid and we can not talk about it or reach to each other.

In the despair of endless fights and escalated conflicts there is an alarming sense of loneliness that couples experience, bringing them at times to the edge of feeling so hopeless and helpless that at times, the unthinkable solution of leaving for ever, crosses their mind.

What I found helpful for couples in my work as a couples therapist, is learning how to be vulnerable with each other, and reach to each other at times of panic, despair, and loneliness. When a relationship get stuck is when we feel we can not reach to our partner.  I try to help couples understand that even when they are fighting, they are protesting for connection. In my practice, and at my  Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshops, I help couples risk turning towards each other, with vulnerability and accessibility. 

At our Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshop you will learn and experience how to:
  • Affirm strengths in your relationship by developing understanding, communication, and bonding.
  • Address negative cycle patterns, and learn why they show up, and how to get out of them.
  • Learn how to repair and forgive injuries, and become vulnerable with each other.
  • Enhance your emotional, physical, and sexual closeness, and INTIMACY
You will also be able to:
  • Make sense of your own as well as your partner’s emotions.
  • Forgive injuries that keep you from really opening up with your partner.
  • Communicate your emotional needs for connection.
  • Establish a secure and intimate bond for one another.
  • Restore commitment and hope.
  • Decrease isolation, distance and loneliness.
  • Learn to manage intense and negative emotion.
  • Rebuild safety and trust (where there has been trauma).

I am excited to announce that Owen Marcus, MA,  author, workshop facilitator, and TEDxTalk presenter on Masculine Emotional Intelligence, will once again be assisting me leading the workshop.  Owen brings with him the width of decades of leading and facilitating men’s groups all over the country, helping men access their masculine vulnerability.  Owen’s presence, and his work with couples and men, will enhance this upcoming Hold Me Tight workshop.

Owen’s TEDX talk: What 10,000 Years Of Progress Has Cost | Owen Marcus | TEDxSpokane.

We welcome people of all backgrounds, ages, faiths and sexual orientations.

We keep the workshop small and intimate, with no mandated ‘group work’, and with lots of time to work as a couple with the help of myself and Owen (who is a master in the work he does with men, helping them to open up to their vulnerability, and connect with their partner).

Please FORWARD the information to anyone you think will benefit from this work, and please call or email me with any questions or for more information.

Please sign up ASAP as space is limited and we are Sold-Out at every workshop.

Note: “Hold Me Tight®” is a registered trademark to Sue Johnson

With Warm Regards and Love,

Dalia

(530) 692 0680

When living hurts – you do not need to do it alone

Couples Therapy, Hold Me Tight® Workshops, Individual Therapy

“We’re taught to be ashamed of confusion, anger, fear and sadness, and to me they’re of equal value to happiness, excitement and inspiration.” ~ Alanis Morissette

There are times in our lives when ‘Living Just Hurts’…

We knMan in Black Shirt and Gray Denim Pants Sitting on Gray Padded Benchow those days when it is hard to think of getting out of bed in the morning, getting dressed seems an unreasonable task, and the need to interact with others is overwhelming. It is hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel, and hope seems to be just another four-letter word.

Whether we are feeling sadness, anxiety, depression, grief, loneliness, hopelessness or helplessness, there are times when every step in the journey of life can be excruciating.

“Some days, 24 hours is too much to stay put in, so I take the day hour by hour, moment by moment. I break the task, the challenge, the fear into small, bite-size pieces. I can handle a piece of fear, depression, anger, pain, sadness, loneliness, illness. I actually put my hands up to my face, one next to each eye, like blinders on a horse.” ~ Regina Brett

Thands formed together with red heart painthen there are those times when our heart breaks. When we experience rejections, disappointment, abandonment, or betrayal by a loved one, it can be so painful. It feels like we are dying. We imagine that anything would be better then feeling that pain.

We all know that rejection hurts, but neuroscience has concluded that it does in fact, literally, hurt. While the brain does not process emotional pain and physical pain exactly the same, MRI studies show that the the reaction and cascading events are very similar, and a natural chemical (painkiller mu-opioid) is released during both events. We now know this same experience occurs when an individual feels slighted or rejected by others.

Maia Szalavitz writes, ‘Sticks and stones may break your bones, but names can hurt just as much. Indeed, according to converging evidence reported in a new review in Current Directions in Psychological Science, physical and social pain are processed in some of the same regions of the brain’.

In the Brain, Broken Hearts Hurt Like Broken Bones

So yes, when we say that ‘our heart is hurting’, we actually are translating those excruciating emotional feelings as real pain. No matter, heart-breaks are so hard and devastating that it can make us feel that we can not take it any more.

Grief and bereavement can be so overwhelming, that it does feel that ‘living hurts’.  At times of grief we go through waves and cycles of denial, anger, depression, hopelessness and helplessness. Grief can bring feelings of shame, blame, guilt, regret, and depression.

   “The five stages – denman in gray shirt sits on cliffial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief.” ~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Coping with losing a loved one is one of life’s great difficulties. If you have experienced the pain of mourning, you know that any way to ease the loss is welcomed. While our knowledge and study of grief continues to evolve, it’s important to note that not everyone grieves the same way: we have individual patterns and outlets for grief.

            We feel so alone in our loss,  that it is crucial to be reminded that we do not need to  do  it alone. At times it feel that no one can understand us.

Life’s transitions, can also bring a sense of emotional devastation and overwhelming stress and sorrow.

It can happen with aging; sometimes we lose our health, we realize we have to learn to slow down. At times retirement can be scary and anxious with a loss of identity; when the kids leave home and go to college or they just move away, we feel the empty nest.

Those events can result in unbearable emotional pain,  and at times we lose our sense of meaning in our life.

At times, we do not even know why we are feeling anxious, depressed, lonely, alone. It is just there, weighing heavy on our heart. We feel we just want the pain to stop. We want it to go away. We need HELP.

Selective Focus Photography of Two PenguinsWhen Living Hurts, you do not need to do it alone. Reaching out to a friend, someone in the family, a tribe or a community member, can help us carry the load of the grief, the loss, the sadness. Reaching out reminds us that we are not alone.

We need to master the courage to say ‘I need HELP’. 

At times of troubles we need to be able to turn to our loved ones. Loneliness can intensify helplessness and hopelessness feelings. We can not do life alone. Our DNA codes loneliness and isolation as a threat to our survival.

Few weeks ago, the Oroville Dam was being compromised and it forced emergency widespread evacuation. It was tense and scary. One of the couples in our January Hold Me Tight workshop was affected by the evacuation. They wrote me this testimonial:

“Thank you for your email. We live above the Dam so we were safe, however trying to get all of the family up here in one hour was extremely stressful.
We were very grateful that the turn of events turned out better than anticipated. Thankful for the work we did at the workshop, we found that in this extreme situation we both turned to one another for support, comfort and strength. We would like to thank you once again for the powerful, uplifting and life-changing weekend. It has done miracles for our relationship and we continue to grow from it daily.”

Our March Hold Me Tight workshop is Sold-Out!!! We will offer another one soon, please go to our contact me page on the website and join our mailing list to be notified about our next Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop event.

Blessings for the upcoming spring…

with warm regards,

~ Dalia

(530) 692 0680
dalia@daliaanderman.com
http://daliaanderman.com/workshops
https://www.facebook.com/DaliaAndermanMFT

Loneliness: The Silent Epidemic

Couples Therapy, Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT), Hold Me Tight® Workshops, Individual Therapy

“We are all so much together, but we are all dying of loneliness.” —Albert Schweitzer

man in gray shirt sits on cliff

In an era where so much connection is possible and the world is at our fingertips, where we have virtual reality connections via Skype or face-time or emails or tweets or texts, where all day long we hear pings and notifications and alerts that someone is ‘connecting with us’, research says that we are more lonely than ever.

Alan is a successful attorney. His work schedule and social calendars are full, yet, deep down he feels lonely and disconnected, and he feels that there is no one for him to turn to and share this deep sadness.

Rachel is a teacher, working around the clock with kids and colleagues. Yet, when she gets home in the evening she feels loneliness. Having moved for her job to a new town recently, she has been unable to form intimate connections that will take away that dreadful dark feeling. Alan and Rachel are more common then we believe. In my practice I work with adults, seniors, teens, couples, and singles. I see loneliness across the spectrum, and, I know that outside of my office, they do not talk about it.

women's white shirt

Robert Waldinger, a Harvard psychiatrist, took over the more than 75-year-long Grant Study in 2003, becoming the fourth person to run it. He recently gave a TedTalk on it that has been viewed more than 6.5 million times since November 2015. Waldinger said in his TedTalk:

“People who are more isolated than they want to be from others find that they are less happy, their health declines earlier in midlife, their brain functioning declines sooner and they live shorter lives than people who are not lonely, good, close relationships seem to buffer us from some of the slings and arrows of getting old.”

Waldinger wants people to realize that the commercial projection of a good life – wealth, fame, career success – won’t bring them health or happiness. It’s the work they put into maintaining connections with other human beings that will.

He adds, “quality and intimacy, as well as stability and consistency also matter. Casual relationships, like the ones forged on social media won’t do; neither will contentious ones like an abusive marriage or an unreliable friend.”

person looking out through window

“Keep in mind that to avoid loneliness, many people need both a social circle and an intimate attachment. Having just one of two may still leave you feeling lonely.” —Gretchen Rubin

In a recent article in Psychology Today, the author tries to help us understand loneliness. “What makes us happiest in life? Some people may point to fabulous fame and fortune. Yet hands down, surveys show that friends and family are the real prize. Even though our need to connect is innate, some of us always go home alone. You could have people around you throughout the day or even be in a lifelong marriage, and still experience a deep, pervasive loneliness. Unsurprisingly, isolation can have a serious detrimental effect on one’s mental and physical health.”

“I am lonely, yet not everybody will do. I don’t know why, some people fill the gaps and others emphasize my loneliness.” —Anaïs Nin

WeCanBeAlone

It is important to understated that loneliness is not the same as being alone. A person will always have time when they choose to be alone. Rather, loneliness is the feeling of being alone and feeling sad about it. All of us feel lonely some of the time. It is only when we seem trapped in our loneliness that it becomes a real problem.

“What should young people do with their lives today? Many things, obviously. But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured.” —Kurt Vonnegut

For many, social media has provided a pseudo escape from that feeling. At any time we can reach out to that smart phone, tablet, iPhone, in our purse or pocket, and know we can reach out… We scroll mindlessly and aimlessly, only to find out all the things that we are missing… and of course, that will increase loneliness. It seems that the ‘whole world’ is connecting and connected and having fun… ‘except for us’… It is especially serious with teens, where that pressure can add layers of loneliness that leads to depression and anxiety.

person in gray long sleeve shirt holding persons hand

“Loneliness is never more cruel than when it is felt in close propinquity with someone who has ceased to communicate.” — Germaine Greer

As a couples and relationship psychotherapist, I so often encounter in my practice, that we can also be lonely when we are in a couple relationship. In fact as the quote above points out, it is even more poignant when I hear my clients say, “I am so lonely in this relationship.” I would say that loneliness is a silent epidemic in relationship as much as it is for individuals in our society.

As Dr. Sue Johnson points out: when we feel isolation and loneliness in our close and intimate relationships, we get scared. When we feel that primary panic and fear of the disconnect from loved ones, our primal need for secure connection becomes alarmed. We then start to act out, protest, and fight for the connection. Isolation and loneliness are danger cues for our primary survival. Our DNA is wired into that connection as a basic safety cue for survival.

At our Hold Me Tight relationship enhancement Workshop – participants will learn and experience how to:

• Affirm strengths in your relationship by developing understanding and bonding.
• Address negative cycle patterns, and learn why they show up, and how to get out of them.
• Learn how to repair and forgive injuries, and become vulnerable with each other.
• Enhance your emotional, physical, and sexual closeness and INTIMACY.

I’m delighted to be offering my next Hold Me Tight couples workshop Saturday September 17 to Sunday September 18th 2016, with Owen Marcus, MA, author, workshop facilitator, and TEDxTalk presenter on Masculine Emotional Intelligence.

Owen brings with him the width of decades of leading and facilitating men’s group all over the country, helping men access their masculine vulnerability. Owen’s presence, and his work with couples and men, will enhance this upcoming Hold Me Tight workshop, by offering his depth, support, and perspective to the couples in our workshop.

Here are the links to Owen’s work: http://owenmarcus.com and Owen’s TEDX talk: What 10,000 Years Of Progress Has Cost | TEDxSpokane

man and woman sitting on cliff near body of water

SPACE IS LIMITED. SO SIGN UP ASAP.

As I keep the groups small and intimate, if you know you want to sign up, I will encourage you to do so shortly, as they do tend to fill up.

This is a great opportunity to have a deeper and vulnerable look at your relationship, develop new skills to recognize the cycle and patterns that inflict the relationship and keep you separated and apart.

It is also a beautiful time to connect and highlight the strengths of your relationship, and build on the positives that already exist.

Please do not hesitate to Contact me with any questions or for more information. Looking forward to sharing the workshop with you and I hope you are enjoying this beautiful summer.

Warm regards,

Dalia

(530) 692 0680
dalia@daliaanderman.com
http://daliaanderman.com/workshops

RSVP on Facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/events/496868083845854/